An Alliterated Blog Name

The Christmas season is long behind us. We made it through Valentine's Day, President's day, and MLK day without a hitch. Congratulations! We can now relax.

Every holiday comes, occurs, and passes. Each has its own feeling, its own sense of anticipation, and its average level of fulfillment. A lot of times, a holiday will fall far from the expectations it inspires. A few holidays will exceed their expecations with every iteration, and a few others will meet expectancy dead on. So, in order to clear up the confusion, I have decided to devise the HEI or Holiday Expectancy Index.

The concept is simple enough. You simply divide the amount of satisfaction received by the amount of satisfaction anticipated. Each satisfaction rating can be subjectively calculated on a 1-10 scale, and one can calculate personal HEI for any given holiday. Allow me to demonstrate with a few of them.

Christmas

Satisfaction Rating: 10

Satisfaction Anticipation: 10

HEI: 1.0

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Rudolph and Charlie Brown on TV, Peace on Earth and good will toward men, a 2000 year old promise from a loving deity, college football on TV all week, time off from school and work, giving and receiving gifts, eating food till stupidity sets in - for me, Christmas always meets expectations. At least for me. As a Christian (go read my Spiritual Soapbox, heathen!) I get a lot of love and enjoyment out of Christmas. Free gifts are always nice as well. Plus, I'm still 6 years old at heart. Christmas is always dead on with my expectations.

New Years Eve

Satisfaction Rating: 4

Anticipation Rating: 7

HEI: 0.571

The anticipation rating on this holiday increases to 9 if you're spending it with that special someone. Sadly, that does little to increase it's satisfaction rating. That kiss at midnight is supposed to be the most passionate kiss of the year. The only problem with this idea is that you're probably spending it in some uncomfortable place (either out in some cold city or at some random friend's party), you've had so much to drink you'll probably be sucking-nose instead of sucking-face, and you're surrounded by so many cleavage-clad females you've had to stare at the ceiling all evening to avoid pissing off your girlfriend. On top of that, the entire evening is devoted to counting down to an arbitrary moment in time that has no meaning to anyone that doesn't live inside of a giant clock. The only good way to spend New Years is with a couple of your buddies. You'll feel lonely that you don't have anyone to kiss at midnight, but at least you don't have all the extra baggage. Such is a holiday with an HEI under 1.0.

Independence Day

Satisfaction Rating: 8

Anticipation Rating: 5

HEI: 1.6

This day only takes a little bit of planning to be one of the funnest days of the year. Baseball, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, ice cream, blowing stuff up, and watching fireworks. These are the only things that need to be covered on the 4th:

1. There is enough food and beer for everyone
2. There are enough explosives to last 6-10 hours.
3. There is a venue nearby to watch a fireworks display come nightfall

All of these things are relatively easy. A few years back I found a deal on fireworks two towns over. It was an hour long round trip, but I got 200 dollars worth of fireworks for 50 bucks. That was an Independence Week. Plus, every television network and their mother runs a marathon of their most popular show, or someone plays the classic Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum movie. I haven't checked the schedule, but I'd bet SpikeTV is doing a Bond marathon this year. Plus, there's always a good chance for an impromptu Roman Candle fight. Just don't let any young kids see you doing it.

Thanksgiving

Satisfaction Rating: 7

Anticipation Rating: 5

HEI: 1.4

Thanksgiving is only one satisfaction rating removed from being Independence Day. This is mostly due to replacing warm summer weather with cool autumn weather and baseball with football. Baseball is better than football, for those who were unsure. The food is going to be much better, but there's also the problem of being cramped up inside with relatives and having no escape. A pickup game of pig skin can often break the ice with relatives you only see once every six months. Plus, nobody's going to want to talk about anything but good stuff when their gut is full of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and pie (pumpkin or apple). That is, unless, of course, the Browns happen to be playing. Then no one will have anything good to talk about. If you're the one preparing Thanksgiving dinner, this HEI can be changed depending on how much satisfaction you get from watching your loved ones take 45 seconds to imbibe a feast that took 6 hours to prepare.

Valentine's Day

Satisfaction Rating: 1

Anticipation Rating: 9

HEI: 0.111

This is one of the holidays for which the HEI was invented. Again, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you may add a point or two to the satisfaction rating - at least you'll be fooling around at the end of the night. But even that is going to feel like a Paul Haggis movie - forced and without passion. Or maybe that's a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game - going through the motions just because you're supposed to. In either case, romance is rarely the result of dinner, flowers, and chocolates. Two people come together when their chemistry (and hormonal drive) is sparking, and they feel like they're connecting. This is, more often than not, the result of spontaneity - not some arbitrary date on the calendar. Romance is never easy to create, even for the romantic. Approach this holiday with booze, food, or a concussive blow to the head.

St. Patrick's Day

Satisfaction Rating: 9

Anticipation Rating: 2

HEI: 4.5

The antithesis of Valentine's Day and the highest HEI rating on the calendar. There is greatness in simplicity. St. Patrick's Day requires only that you wake up, put on something green, toast to the Irish, and drink until you can't feel your face. I mean, can a person imagine a more amazing holiday? When's the last time you've ever heard someone had a terrible St. Patrick's Day? It doesn't happen! You go to a bar, and you've got instant kinship with anyone wearing green. The only thing you have to buy is beer or whiskey. Let's not forget there's going to be NCAA basketball to look forward to, and this holiday doesn't require that you spend it with anyone. No girlfriend, no boyfriend, no relatives, absolute Zero awkwardness. You rarely even see it coming on the calendar. It's the beginning of March, and I'm betting you haven't even considered St. Patrick's Day. Now that I've mentioned it, you're not even freaking out about it. Think if Valentine's Day was a week away, and I was mentioning it here - you'd be all freaked out about it.

I don't know what greetings card company lobbied to create St. Patrick's Day, but they deserve our respect.

So when you go out for St. Patty's day this year, plan on kissing an irishman.

Wait....

What am I saying? Don't plan anything!

Tschüs!

Pat's Note: This is the first in a series of guest entries that I will be displaying in this space. If you have anything that you might be interested in putting up in this place, send me an email and we will start a dialogue about it.

Jessy G is a college friend of mine. As you will soon be able to tell, she has some very strong opinions about my blog. If you agree, disagree, or would like to start a religion about the topics she discusses, don't be too shy to send in to the mail bag about it. I'll be here, waiting patiently.

Here's Jessy G.

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Pat’s blog….and Why I Don’t Read it and You Shouldn’t Either

So you’re here at Pat’s page again….why? Is it because you are actually interested in what he has to say? Probably not…Is it because you have some unhealthy obsession with an arrogant guy’s thoughts, beliefs and values, again probably not. Certainly it has nothing to do with the attraction factor, because all of us have seen the homepage with all of the stupid pictures of his stupid smiling face all cut out and colored like a first grader who learned to use Photoshop. In any case, no matter the reason of why you're here and not off being a productive member of society, you're about to read a rant by me because I'm personally sick of being inundated with requests to read the brainless writings of a dolt.
Honestly now, let’s think….who makes a blog thinking that people actually care? You know who reads it? Bored, lonely people sitting home on a Wednesday night with nothing to do at 3 AM, and 50 year old, male, rapists. So this leads one to wonder….where did Pat Dobson get such an ego? At what point in his life did he feel that people should care what his views are on life, love and insanity? Personally, I don’t care what he has to say, nor do I care for his views of movies or TV shows. For example, the show The Black Donnelly’s has been a topic of discussion lately, and Pat has had nothing nice to say about it. The sound track is amazing, the actors are HOTT and it actually has a good lead in from its pilot. I ask you…why waste your time NOT watching it?
How about that picture of Pat trying to look like the Roman impersonation of Jesus Christ. I call it Blasphemy, he calls it art, or worship, or something equally hedonistic. Whatever it is, it's just as arrogant as everything else he does.
And another thing, Nancy Pelosi. What does Pat have against this hag? Yes, she is ugly, yes, she is retarded, yes, she also is a pompous windbag with much to say about nothing...but I feel as though Pat would feel a kinship. Yet all he does is cut his own kind down. Traitor.
Pat Dobson also goes into a lot of long winded, highly incomprehensible gibberish about things that everyone has their own opinion about…and who the hell writes out reviews for movies they saw that night….like 2 page reviews…no one I know that DOESN’T get paid for it. To make matters worse… he tries to speak over everyone’s heads. For example: “Leonidas taunts Xerxes in their first meeting in the most entertaining dialogue of the movie. Xerxes responds in a deceptively low, god-like voice that clues you in as to why men would worship mortals." Again, there is not much subtlety here.
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? What normal human being talks in such a way that it makes another person what to pulls her ears off so as not to hear another word she has to go look up in the dictionary?
In conclusion, if none of this stuff makes sense or goes with his stupid blog, good! It shouldn’t, because as the title says, if you were paying attention, I said I haven’t read it! I skimmed through to find the most ridiculous content I could find and went off on a tangent to piss Pat off. Everyone have a good day, and remember, friends don’t let friends, read Pat’s stupid blog.

Jessy G

PS. Pat wanted me to tell you how to make Ramen the less fattening, better way….pretty much you just heat it up with the water it tells you to then when its done dump the water, use have the packet of highly intense pure sodium they give you, and enjoy flavored noodles without broth. Ciao!

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I copied that verbatim. Let it be known that I will not touch anything that is sent in here.

She certainly seemed spirited about her hatred for my interweb logbook. Is it really so terrible getting some insight from a sweet fellow like me? Apparently so.

And yes, Jessy, I'm quite aware that I'm a pompous ass. Thank you. Isn't that why I spent so many hours (minutes) building this site? I want to be pompous! I need to reaffirm that people actually care what I have to say, right? I need social validation like I need air. Let me breathe! Why won't you let me breathe?!

Love me, America! Love me!!!

Calm down, Pat. Just calm down.

Well, it seems I have clearly missed out on one particular reader, but who needs her? She probably reads US Weekly or The Weekly World News or long winded journals about wives that castrate their husbands while they sleep.

I would like to close by saying that Jessy is mean and a fatty and no one cares what she has to say. And she eats babies.

Tschüs!

P.S. If you would like to read any of the blogs she was talking about, you can view them here: The Black Donnellys - Gaying Up the Mafia, 300: Over Indulging your Brain's Sweet Tooth, Nancy Pelosi - A Man's Man.