An Alliterated Blog Name

Introducing the Top 50

2007-07-07T22:34:09Z

Those that know me personally know that I keep a running list of my top 50 favorite movies. Well, 35 favorite movies. But, today, I'm getting it up to 50! In light of the fact that we have a new number five (Go read my Ratatouille review and you'll clearly see that it was bound for the top 10), I've decided to introduce The List to my blog-reading public. Since this entry is going to be huge anyway, I'll stop the introduction here... Rules

Any movie with one or multiple sequels will have the entire series condensed into one list item. I penalize filmmakers for making crappy sequels and reward them for good sequels.
Often, my opinion on the merit of the film is ignored.
Nostalgia, my theater experience, and my recurring experiences with the movie all go into the rating

Pat's Top 50 Favorite Movies

H.M.

Citizen Kane: Of course I had to have an honorable mention category! And I know a lot of you have got to be thinking that not fitting Citizen Kane into a top 50 is a travesty of cinematic justice. This is probably true. However, I've only seen Kane all the way through one time. I loved it, and it will eventually get a boost to the high teens, I promise, but I need to see it again before I can find a fitting place for it on the list. Every other movie I've seen at least twice.

50.

Miracle: The purpose of this spot on the list is two-fold. First, I must pay homage to the wonderful career of Kurt Russel (Kee-yah!) by recognizing his best performance ever. Secondly, I walked out of the movie thinking, "Wow, it'd be really cool to coach a little league team". Though that particular bit of inspiration only lasts about 10 minutes, it gets Miracle on my list.

49.

Road House: Similar to Kurt Russel, Patrick Swayze has a career that demands recognition. This happens to be his most ridiculous flick. It is truly the pinnacle of accidental comedy. I laugh hysterically at something in every scene. The mere mention of the title is good enough to get a chuckle out of me.

48.

The Rock: This was my favorite movie for about 20 minutes when all I ever wanted to see was preposterous action movies. After a childhood diet consisting of Disney movies, romance comedies, and SNL spinoffs, I was thirsty for blood right around puberty. Melting faces? Check. Massive Explosions? Check. Sean Connery? Check. Welcome to number 48.

47.

Crocodile Dundee: "That's not a knife. This is a knife." The greatest line uttered in the 1980s is why Dundee was nominated for a Best Screenplay Oscar and why it makes it onto my favorite's list.

46.

Independence Day: This was my favorite movie for a long time because I didn't understand what computers could do. 11 years later, I'm a year away from a degree in Information Technology and a lot of the mystique of the movie has worn off. However, it is still one hell of a man vs. annihilation alien action flick. I still remember seeing this movie as a 10 year old kid at one of the last great drive-ins in northeast Ohio. "Welcome to earth."

45.

Dumbo: Dumbo is the prototype behind all the heart in animation created since. There are few images in animation greater than a shackled mother elephant wrapping her abandoned child in his own ears and rocking him to sleep in her trunk. This was the fuel for many naptimes in my very early years.

44.

The Matrix: Ack! Why did you guys make more!? This series jumps up 30 places without those last two movies. The linguistic masochism of trying to follow the architect's speach in the end of Reloaded and the final fight scene of Revelations are the only graces that even keep this series on the list. Still, during the summer of 2002, I must have watched the original every night before sleep while eating a half bag of oreos and drinking an unhealthy amount of milk.

43.

Zorro (Antonio Banderas): The Mask of Zorro was fantastic. Anthony Hopkins was on top of his "Listen to every word I say because it's awesome" game, Catherine Zeta-Jones was at the peak of her hotness, and Antonio Banderas was looking to do a little comedy on top of his conflicted hero work. The dance scene, the training sequence, "surfing the shovel", and every word out of Hopkins' mouth makes this a classic. The Legend of Zorro, however, was one of the worst movies I've ever seen and it had no Tony Hopkins. Even the title was eons worse than Mask. Legend doubles the series' position. It's a top 25er otherwise.

42.

Rounders: The quintessential poker movie and an absolute staple and bane of my early college years. Don't take any of the advice that you get from this movie, because it will NOT make you a better poker player. Don't ever watch it before you play poker, and don't play poker within two weeks of watching. I am certain Rounders has lost countless college students countless dollars at the poker table.

41.

Fantasia: As a kid who knew relatively nothing about classical music, I watched this movie wanting to watch dinosaurs and mickey mouse. Not much else interested me at the time. I'm still a kid, but I've learned a thing or two about the classics. Like a fine wine, Fantasia gets better with age. I haven't seen 2000, so it doesn't go into my rating.

40.

The Karate Kid: Watched it when I was a kid, and it made me want to fight other kids. But then I grew up and watched it again? God bless the late, great Pat Morita. He absolutely makes this movie. Everyone else in the movie is a role model for accidental comedy, but Pat Morita creates a character in Mr. Miyagi that is absolutely timeless. The three movies in succession did nothing terrible to hinder the original, with the second even helping it a bit.

39.

Top Gun: This movie has the blessed distinction of being the first in my life that I ever watched in stereo surround sound in my pop's first foray into home theaters. The booming jets taking off the deck as "Danger Zone" roared over the sound system in my living room are some of my most memorable movie experiences I've had. And who hasn't thought of trying to pick up a girl with "Loving Feeling" or pulled a Val Kilmer and chomped their teeth at someone derisively. Gotta be on the list.

38.

Bambi: This movie is drenched with every kind of conflict there is. And it's for kids! Somehow, Walt made it work. I don't fully understand why I loved it as a kid, but it was definitely another pre-naptime Disney movie. I still have a very vivid image of my mom singing "Drip Drip Drop" in the kitchen while she was cooking something scrumptous for me to eat.

37.

Garden State: This is one of the first movies I ever took it upon myself to write a review for. It was mostly just to build my own ego. Still, it perfectly transitioned Natalie Portman from an actress I wanted to get in the sack, to the girl next door I wanted to date. When I wrote the review, I was pretty harsh on Zach Braff, but he really put together an extremely tender little romance flick without (too much) ego.

36.

A Streetcar Named Desire: One of the few movies on the list that has its position for merit alone. I love this movie. Vivien Leigh and Marlon Brando are absolutely fantastic. Every line is a delight to hear. Tennessee Williams has a special place in my heart, but that is for different reasons we'll get to later.

35.

Back to the Future: Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox may be two of the most underrated actors out there right now. In their day, they were two of the best at what they did. And who didn't get sucked into the mind bending possibilties of time travel? No movie franchise has ever tackled the topic so proficiently. Excellent comedy all around, memorable characters, just a great time to spend at a movie theater.

34.

Orange County: Another movie of the summer of 2002. I just thought I was Shaun Brumder - aspiring novelist, trying to escape his insane family by getting to college, looking for inspiration anywhere it would come from. For my money, there's never been a better comedic performance than Jack Black in this movie. I don't think comedic timing gets any better. It's a shame Colin Hanks is going to turn out like Kobe Clemens - he'll just never be as revered as his father.

33.

Sabrina: During my sophmore year in college I happened upon this movie by accident one night and loved every minute of it. When it comes to old movies, the surest way to get me into it is to have Audrey Hepburn or Elizabeth Taylor in the cast. This one has the star power of Audrey, Bogie, and a still delightful William Holden. This is my favorite movie with Hepburn, and my second favorite with Bogie. The Maltese Falcon can probably be found somewhere in the upper 50s.

32.

Major League: For a sports fanatic such as myself, it's strange that this is the last sports movie on my list. But what a movie! This movie was a sure thing all the way around. A movie about the Cleveland Indians overcoming their laughing stock status and winning the pennant! And then art immitated life and it happened for real! Fantastic! Genuinely funny and infinitely better than the hackish Fever Pitch which similarly looked at Red Sox nation.

31.

The Shawshank Redemption: I love too many movies. It pains me to think that I only have one on this list in which Morgan Freeman narrates. Andy Dufresne is one of the most likeable guys I've ever watched in a movie. "Yeah. The funny thing is - on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook. " Classic.

30.

Pirates of Silicon Valley: The only made-for-tv-movie I dare put on the list. I've watched it dozens of times, but I've never found it in any store where I was in a position for an impulse buy. I've put off the Amazon.com purchase for years. Everytime I watch this movie, I feel outraged because of how Bill Gates made his billions and simultaneously inspired that I could do it as well. Noah Wyle and Anthony Michael Hall were at different points in their careers, but no less talented. This movie is some of the best edutainment there is.

29.

Scent of a Woman: Woman can still go a bunch of ways on the list because I feel like I need to sit down and watch it ten or eleven more times. Second only to Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow, Al Pacino's Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade is one of my favorite characters in all of cinema. Couple that with the Catcher in the Rye feel that Chris O'Donnell comes with, a blindman's tango that is full of zest, and this movie is extremely watchable.

28.

Die Hard: Action movies do not get any better. The original remains the best action movie ever. Is there any situation more exhilarating than being stuck in a giant skyscraper, barefoot, with a dozen German supercrooks? Every movie in the series except for the most recent thrived on an excellent villain, a catchy overture(Ode to Joy, Ants Go Marching), and a badass John McClain. The 4th was ok, but the first three were classics.

27.

Gone with the Wind: I might have watched this movie 150 times by now if it wasn't 4 hours long. As it stands, I've seen it twice. When I have four hours to kill out of no where, I'll watch it again. I'm thinking a transatlantic flight. Viven Leigh and Clark Gable were the original Super Dialogue pair. Everthing they said to each was a blessing to hear. The historical backdrop heightens and overtakes the personal struggle. I don't know what I'm doing, a paragraph isn't enough to do this movie justice, so I'll stop now.

26.

Pulp Fiction: King of the "I can't beleive that just happened!" movies. I can't believe they just blew off his head, they just stabbed her with that needle, Vince Vega was in that bathroom, Marsellus was just walking down the street, that Samuel L. Jackson didn't kill Quentin Tarantino for saying the n-word. Nobody's better than QT at unnecessary dialogue - a truly lost artform.

25.

Chocolat: I avoided this movie like the plague for a year and half because I was tired of chick flicks. When I finally sat down and watched it, I not only realized that it wasn't a chick flick, but that there was a whole new world of movies out there then just the standard studio fare. Chocolat is a rare combination of originality, complimentary acting, and no unnecessary frills.

24.

Fight Club: Maybe a bit juvenille, but I'm pretty sure that was the point. Chuck Palahniuk, the accomplished author of the novel, said the movie made him ashamed of the book. I don't know about that, but I took his word for it. I've read 4 Palahniuk books, but never saw the need to read Fight Club because of the movie. The same can't be said for other novel-movies on this same list.

23.

The Princess Bride: The first of two Rob Reiner movies on the list. This movie is exactly as advertised - the perfect story for a sick day. I watched a few times, but suddenly had to watch it ten times in a row my sophmore year in college. It's just a really entertaining movie. Andre the Giant, Billy Crystal, Carl Elwes. Comedy out the wazoo. Peter Falk is engrossing as the grandfather. If you don't love watching this movie, there's no hope for you.

22.

Ocean's 11: An All-Star cast whose whole turns out greater than the sum of its parts. Great dialogue, excellent jokes, and an excellent heist at the end. I regret to say that I've never seen the original, so if you thought I was talking about the Rat Pack up until this point, sorry to disappoint. This is the last movie of the Summer of 2002 trio. Whenever I got sick of The Matrix, this was old standby. Oh, and Soderbergh is the man.

21.

Closer: I mentioned that Garden State made Natalie Portman the girl-next-door I wanted to date. Well, Closer made her the girl-next-door-I-want-to-bend-over-my-couch. There is no more realistic dialouge regarding the emotions of romance than that which appears in closer. Portman, Clive Owen, Jude Law, and Julia Roberts say the things that we say, and the things that we wish we could say to those we fall for. Expertly written. Natalie Portman is a fox.

20.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: My senior year of high school, I played Brick in an abridged version of Cat with my best friend. Shortly thereafter, I watched the movie based on the Tennessee Williams play. Paul Newman is a much better Brick than I was, and Elizabeth Taylor was a much hotter Maggie than Mary was. More great dialogue. Get used to me saying that, because it's only going to continue.

19.

When Harry Met Sally: For my money, it's the best modern romance comedy. Billy Crystal is in top form, and Meg Ryan gives the performance of her career. The orgasm scene, Harry's menacing fist, the guy stuff Harry and Jess do while they talk about chicks. The second Rob Reiner movie on the list, this is yet another mountain of excellent dialogue.

18.

The Big Lebowski: My favorite Cohen brothers movie and currently the only one on the list because I just haven't seen the others enough. There are so many lines in this movie! "Don't fuck with the Jesus" "Dude, I'm not certain chinaman is the proper nomenclature here. Asian-american, please" "Damnit, Walter, I'm not talking about the guys who built the fucking railroads here, I'm talking about the guy that pissed on my rug" "You see what happens Donny? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass (find a stranger in the alps)" Walter's eulogy, etc etc. This movie is laugh out loud funny on so many levels. Pure comedy gold.

17.

Star Wars: A cultural phenomenon lasting three decades, Star Wars has defined a generation of movies. Every trilogy since the original has been influenced by Star Wars in one way or another. It's incredibly addicting, and every movie in the original trilogy stands well on its own. The first two movies of the new trilogy weren't great, but they certainly weren't as bad as the second two Matrix movies. Some subtleties in the politics and a meatier story line would have helped the new trilogy in spades, but as it stands, the Star Wars series is easily in my top 20.

16.

The Bond Series: Is there a more unifying male movie experience? Even The Godfather is boring to some guys, but the most snobbish of movie boys will sit down and watch any 4 Bond movies in a row. If they can't, I sure wouldn't want to hang out with them.

15.

The Godfather: Three straight chick movies followed by 4 straight guy flicks! What a list! The Godfather is an easy top 10 w/o the third movie. Winona Ryder stays healthy and the whole series may be a masterpiece. Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, James Caan, Robert Duval, Marlon Brando, and more guillones than can fill the town of Coleone. This movie may not have invented the crime-family genre, but it made it relevant. All you Sopranos fans should go shake Coppola's hand.

14.

The Little Mermaid: Could I do it? Could I follow up The Godfather with The Little Mermaid? Well, I did, and with good reason! Mermaid was the first movie I saw in a movie theater. Two much deserved Oscars for the score as well as "Under the Sea" for original song. It actually beat itself in the best original song category as it went up against "Kiss the Girl". The pinnacle of cinematic musicals. I love this movie.

13.

Blow: The ultimate drug cautionary tale. We get all the glamour and the glory of the drug trade, followed up immediately by the pain, regret, and suffering that it causes. Boston George will never get his life or his daughter back, but damn was it cool to watch Johnny Depp build a cocaine empire. Depp is also a deceptively competent narrator.

12.

Kill Bill: Quentin Tarantino's opus work. A fascinating mix of samurai, western, kung-fu, and exploitation spoofs in a movie that never quite feels like a spoof. I feel like QT sits around in his penthouse with his vietnamese hookers, drinks vodka, does blow, and just writes down the coolest stuff he can possibly think of. (Apologies to Jeremy Piven) Tarantino is the director of cool.

11.

Pride and Prejudice: We're talking 2005, we're talking Keira Knightley, we're talking Deborah Moggach, we're talking the best adaptation of Jane Austen's book to date. Elizabeth Bennet is perhaps the most complex female character in 19th century literature (The Awakening was written in the 20th, right?), and Keira Knightley absolutely nailed her. The far less inspired performance coming from Reese Witherspoon that year was awarded an Oscar made of fool's gold. I fell in love with Keira Knightley during the course of this movie. That's not supposed to happen. This movie caused me a borderline mental illness. I've never been so obsessed with a woman I've never met. Mad mad mad props to Joe Wright. He was robbed at the Oscars too.

10.

Casablanca: I have been told that this was the best screenplay ever written. At the time, I had never saw Casablanca or even a movie with Humphrey Bogart in it. I have since watched it at least ten times, and I can whole-heartedly agree that Casablanca is indeed the best screenplay ever written. Julius and Phillip Epstein were funny, original, and extremely astute at adapting the play that this classic masterpiece arose from. And there are few sets of lips better than Bogie's to deliver those lines. A classic that defines what classic means, Casablanca is the peak of film-making.

9.

Pirates of the Caribbean: As far as I'm concerned, no actor has done a better job at creating a character than Johnny Depp creating Captain Jack Sparrow. I went on a ravenous Johnny Depp binge after watching Pirates the first. I had to see everything he ever made. As a result, two other movies were added to this list. Pirates also has the advantage of feeding one of my boyhood fantasies. I've wanted to be a pirate most of my life. It was something that started with Walt Disney's Peter Pan and then just exploded through my imagination. I have even convinced myself that if I was alive during the age of high seas piracy, I would have been a pirate. The evils they committed would have been no greater than the evils that national naval powers were committing at the same time. Straight-man Orlando Bloom, the gorgeous Keira Knightley, the astute Geoffrey Rush, and, later, the great Bill Nighy round out the best cast of any big budget trilogy. Not to mention, it has the advantage of timing to have given it the best special effects we've yet seen. Only the original Star Wars trilogy can top it's story in the not-meant-to-be-a-trilogy category. Never has so much fun and talent been packed into a big budget trilogy.

8.

The Incredibles: Brad Bird's coming out party. The Incredibles reduces grown adults (or close to them) to drooling children. I walked out of the theater that day with my fading inner child completely rejuvenated. Now he's the only voice inside me I really listen to. By choosing talent that fits the role rather than names that will sell tickets, Pixar and Bird built a powerful cast that wasn't constantly reminding us of their star power. We could truly invest in the characters, and Bird provided us the opportunity every step of the way. I can think of few things more heart-warming than a family of super heros that fights the evils of this world together. If you want a crash course in animation, buy the DVD and watch all the commentary. You'll learn more than any fan will ever need to know. I don't think I've been more excited for a sequence than the 100 Yard Dash on a repeat showing of any movie. I loved The Incredibles, and I'm convinced it is the best super hero movie there is.

7.

Adaptation: I love this movie because it's one of the classic mind benders. The great Charlie Kaufman adapted a book about adaptive flowers by adapting as a writer to portray the adaptations we make in life to our adapting surroundings. It's incredibly difficult to separate fiction from reality in this film, and I doubt if you asked Charlie Kaufman that he'd be able to do it for you. There is no Donald Kaufman, but he has a spot on IMDB and was nominated for a real Oscar. Susan Orlean never had sex with John Laroche (I don't think) and I'm fairly certain you can't get drugs from ghost orchids. But then, who knows for sure? And how can someone write part of a movie about writing that movie? It's like a recursive algorithm or something. The thought of it just drives me happily up the wall! Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and Being John Malkovich were both highlights of Kaufman's vast creativity, but for me, this is his best.

6.

Braveheart: As I'm writing this, I'm watching the tragic ending to Braveheart on the History Channel. The supporting characters, Gibson's Wallace, the directing, the score, the battle scenes, the setting, the culture, this movie is nearly flawless in its execution and completely moving in its substance. It reminds us that freedom is bought with a price. Our rights to live, to speak, to create, are not hindered because men like the Wallace depicted in Braveheart were willing to die for those rights. That kind of courage packed into this biopic that is largely historically accurate - an admirable trait for Hollywood fare. The movie makes me proud as a free man, as a person of Scottish descent, and as a fan of moving pictures. Braveheart is the most moving and well executed epic of my generation.

5.

Ratatouille: There are no standalone movies from 2006 on this list. This is the first, and likely, the only movie from 2007 that will be going on the list. I've seen it twice and may well see it a third time very soon. There are no superstars voicing this movie, because once again Brad Bird and Pixar have put together a perfect cast. Peter O'Toole gives a performance worth drooling over. Bird has established himself as one of the best directors in film making, animation or no. I've been listening to Michael Giacchino's score for 3 days. I don't think that any score has ever fit a movie so well. I am seriously thinking about how I'm going to get myself to Paris as soon as possible. A month ago, I would have never even considered going to gay Paree. Right now, this is my absolute cinematic inspiration. I want to be Brad Bird. I feel like going back to school and changing my major to computer animation. This movie is gorgeous with every meticulous detail being accounted for in constructing the perfect French kitchen. But the most inspiring part about this film is the moral. There is no harm in being a snob. As Bird is proving, a committment to excellence can make money as well as entertain and reduce to children even the most discerning critics. I love this film and all it embodies and I'll be watching it for a long time yet to come.

4.

Finding Neverland: I've watched this movie over a dozen times, and only twice have I not been left quite misty. The first time I was on a date and I was trying to impress the girl, the second time I was with a guy friend and trying to stay macho. Every lone viewing has left me bawling like a little girl. It's not the tragedy, they're not tears of sorrow. It's the beauty, they're tears of joy. Michael gets the kite to fly, the orphans arrive at the theater, Wendy escapes the rock in the play and unleashes Peter's imagination, Emma believes, the unveiling of the real Neverland, and Barrie's consoling of Peter. All of these scenes and sequences have moved me to tears at one point or another, but I don't put the DVD in again and again so that I can show off my delicate sensibilities. This movie is a near perfect depiction of the creative process. To create something the world is not familiar with, you have to go to another place. You must allow your mind to experience the unexperienced. You have to see things people have never seen. And you have to do it in an environment that hates that process. Creation is the pinnacle of human achievement, and Finding Neverland glorifies that achievement.

3.

Patton: There are two types of biopics. The first details the individual's entire life. It attempts to frame every major experience a person has to create a completed picture of the exceptional individual in question. The second type focuses on a portion of a person's life that defined the individual in our hearts and minds. Braveheart is probably the best example of the former, and Patton is the absolute best of the latter. George Patton is a singular individual. I can't think of anyone I've ever heard of that was like him or anyone that will ever be like him. He was deeply spiritual and deeply religious, he craved leadership but openly accepted missions that meant many of his men would die, he defeated every foe that was put infront of him on the battle field, but couldn't overcome the politics of 20th century warfare. General George Patton was a huge ego and a bigger pain in the ass to deal with, and this movie captures that singular individual expertly. Giving the best performance of his career (as well as the best in any biopic), George C. Scott not only painted an extremely inspired Patton for audiences that were distraught with the ravages of Vietnam, but he had the gall to send the Oscar he won back to the Academy because he felt acting competitions were completely bogus. He didn't win any more Oscars after that. Patton is the most intriguing movie from start to finish of any other biopic. Perhaps he would have been more accurately portrayed by Anthony Hopkins, but only in the hands of George C. Scott was General George S. Patton immortalized. No movie more accurately paints my ideal example of a leader. I love every quality portrayed in a leader in the movie, and I hope to embody many of them one day. I only hope it doesn't mean that I lose my position because I'm such a pain in the ass.

2.

Lord of the Rings: Peter Jackson has proven without a doubt that the only way to make a trilogy is to set out from the beginning with a trilogy in mind. As George Lucas has proven, even that is an extremely difficult task regardless of budget size. Tolkien was a deeply religious and spiritual man who felt that humans were created in God's image. Furthermore, he believed that God created the Universe and everything that it creates in every moment of its existence. Therefore, because we were created in God's image, we also have that innate desire to create. So that is exactly what Tolkien did. He created an entire world with different races, countries, politics, economies, and ideals. Middle Earth is one of the great creative masterpieces of the 20th century, and its cinematic portrayal in Lord of the Rings the greatest masterpiece of the 21st century. The story of Frodo and the Ring is far more detailed in the book, but any movie that can move a busy high school student already reading 30 books a year to add another 1200 pages to his list is clearly a work of art. The only downfall of this movie is that it's 9 hours long or 12 hours long using the uncut, extended version. Try finding time to watch it. I've only seen the whole 12 hour set once, and the 9 hour set four times (give or take). Other than that, it is brilliantly executed in every facet of film making from screenplay to score to acting to direction. Only the length keeps it from number one.

1.

Gladiator: To me, there is no better movie. Russel Crowe's Maximus show depth, strength, courage, justice, and certainly internal conflict. He struggles with everything from wanting to live, to wanting revenge, to finally uncovering his righteous desires and reconciling them with what is best for Rome. Gladiator is a more powerful Ben Hur. The fight scenes are majestic, but the real action is when the actors are going at one another with words. There is not a single actor in the cast that doesn't fill the role to it's absolute full potential. That speaks volumes to the abilities of Ridley Scott in organizing the cast. Scott is like the Phil Jackson of movies. Give him a great cast, and he'll do greater things than have ever been done. Hans Zimmer's score is so inspired! From the intense waltz sequence in the first battle scene to show the civilized destruction of the germanic hordes to the heartfilled aria that leads into the credits after Maximus is finally reunited with his murdered family, every note fits the film perfectly. The CGI creation of Rome is some of the most beautiful imagery yet created in an authentic period movie. While there are a host of historical innaccuracies, these are inconsequential to the nature of the story. Maximus, the main character, is admittedly fictional. As a result, the movie cannot be seen as anything more than historical fiction and any gripes about historical accuracies have to fall by the wayside. From screenplay to acting to direction to post production, Gladiator is a masterpiece in every way. It is beautiful, it is entertaining, it is even quite badass. It's the best movie I've ever seen.

I must be retarded. Who writes whole paragraphs for 50 movies in one night? It took me a whole hour just proof read the thing. Oh well, at least it's up now. Enjoy! Tschüs!

Guest Entry: Jessy G

2007-03-22T23:07:25Z

Pat's Note: This is the first in a series of guest entries that I will be displaying in this space. If you have anything that you might be interested in putting up in this place, send me an email and we will start a dialogue about it. Jessy G is a college friend of mine. As you will soon be able to tell, she has some very strong opinions about my blog. If you agree, disagree, or would like to start a religion about the topics she discusses, don't be too shy to send in to the mail bag about it. I'll be here, waiting patiently. Here's Jessy G.

Pat’s blog….and Why I Don’t Read it and You Shouldn’t Either

So you’re here at Pat’s page again….why? Is it because you are actually interested in what he has to say? Probably not…Is it because you have some unhealthy obsession with an arrogant guy’s thoughts, beliefs and values, again probably not. Certainly it has nothing to do with the attraction factor, because all of us have seen the homepage with all of the stupid pictures of his stupid smiling face all cut out and colored like a first grader who learned to use Photoshop. In any case, no matter the reason of why you're here and not off being a productive member of society, you're about to read a rant by me because I'm personally sick of being inundated with requests to read the brainless writings of a dolt. Honestly now, let’s think….who makes a blog thinking that people actually care? You know who reads it? Bored, lonely people sitting home on a Wednesday night with nothing to do at 3 AM, and 50 year old, male, rapists. So this leads one to wonder….where did Pat Dobson get such an ego? At what point in his life did he feel that people should care what his views are on life, love and insanity? Personally, I don’t care what he has to say, nor do I care for his views of movies or TV shows. For example, the show The Black Donnelly’s has been a topic of discussion lately, and Pat has had nothing nice to say about it. The sound track is amazing, the actors are HOTT and it actually has a good lead in from its pilot. I ask you…why waste your time NOT watching it? How about that picture of Pat trying to look like the Roman impersonation of Jesus Christ. I call it Blasphemy, he calls it art, or worship, or something equally hedonistic. Whatever it is, it's just as arrogant as everything else he does. And another thing, Nancy Pelosi. What does Pat have against this hag? Yes, she is ugly, yes, she is retarded, yes, she also is a pompous windbag with much to say about nothing...but I feel as though Pat would feel a kinship. Yet all he does is cut his own kind down. Traitor. Pat Dobson also goes into a lot of long winded, highly incomprehensible gibberish about things that everyone has their own opinion about…and who the hell writes out reviews for movies they saw that night….like 2 page reviews…no one I know that DOESN’T get paid for it. To make matters worse… he tries to speak over everyone’s heads. For example: “Leonidas taunts Xerxes in their first meeting in the most entertaining dialogue of the movie. Xerxes responds in a deceptively low, god-like voice that clues you in as to why men would worship mortals." Again, there is not much subtlety here. WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? What normal human being talks in such a way that it makes another person what to pulls her ears off so as not to hear another word she has to go look up in the dictionary? In conclusion, if none of this stuff makes sense or goes with his stupid blog, good! It shouldn’t, because as the title says, if you were paying attention, I said I haven’t read it! I skimmed through to find the most ridiculous content I could find and went off on a tangent to piss Pat off. Everyone have a good day, and remember, friends don’t let friends, read Pat’s stupid blog. Jessy G PS. Pat wanted me to tell you how to make Ramen the less fattening, better way….pretty much you just heat it up with the water it tells you to then when its done dump the water, use have the packet of highly intense pure sodium they give you, and enjoy flavored noodles without broth. Ciao!

I copied that verbatim. Let it be known that I will not touch anything that is sent in here. She certainly seemed spirited about her hatred for my interweb logbook. Is it really so terrible getting some insight from a sweet fellow like me? Apparently so. And yes, Jessy, I'm quite aware that I'm a pompous ass. Thank you. Isn't that why I spent so many hours (minutes) building this site? I want to be pompous! I need to reaffirm that people actually care what I have to say, right? I need social validation like I need air. Let me breathe! Why won't you let me breathe?! Love me, America! Love me!!! Calm down, Pat. Just calm down. Well, it seems I have clearly missed out on one particular reader, but who needs her? She probably reads US Weekly or The Weekly World News or long winded journals about wives that castrate their husbands while they sleep. I would like to close by saying that Jessy is mean and a fatty and no one cares what she has to say. And she eats babies. Tschüs! P.S. If you would like to read any of the blogs she was talking about, you can view them here: The Black Donnellys - Gaying Up the Mafia, 300: Over Indulging your Brain's Sweet Tooth, Nancy Pelosi - A Man's Man.

Expecting the Holidays

2007-03-08T01:00:28Z

The Christmas season is long behind us. We made it through Valentine's Day, President's day, and MLK day without a hitch. Congratulations! We can now relax. Every holiday comes, occurs, and passes. Each has its own feeling, its own sense of anticipation, and its average level of fulfillment. A lot of times, a holiday will fall far from the expectations it inspires. A few holidays will exceed their expecations with every iteration, and a few others will meet expectancy dead on. So, in order to clear up the confusion, I have decided to devise the HEI or Holiday Expectancy Index. The concept is simple enough. You simply divide the amount of satisfaction received by the amount of satisfaction anticipated. Each satisfaction rating can be subjectively calculated on a 1-10 scale, and one can calculate personal HEI for any given holiday. Allow me to demonstrate with a few of them.

Christmas

Satisfaction Rating: 10

Satisfaction Anticipation: 10

HEI: 1.0

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Rudolph and Charlie Brown on TV, Peace on Earth and good will toward men, a 2000 year old promise from a loving deity, college football on TV all week, time off from school and work, giving and receiving gifts, eating food till stupidity sets in - for me, Christmas always meets expectations. At least for me. As a Christian (go read my Spiritual Soapbox, heathen!) I get a lot of love and enjoyment out of Christmas. Free gifts are always nice as well. Plus, I'm still 6 years old at heart. Christmas is always dead on with my expectations.

New Years Eve

Satisfaction Rating: 4

Anticipation Rating: 7

HEI: 0.571

The anticipation rating on this holiday increases to 9 if you're spending it with that special someone. Sadly, that does little to increase it's satisfaction rating. That kiss at midnight is supposed to be the most passionate kiss of the year. The only problem with this idea is that you're probably spending it in some uncomfortable place (either out in some cold city or at some random friend's party), you've had so much to drink you'll probably be sucking-nose instead of sucking-face, and you're surrounded by so many cleavage-clad females you've had to stare at the ceiling all evening to avoid pissing off your girlfriend. On top of that, the entire evening is devoted to counting down to an arbitrary moment in time that has no meaning to anyone that doesn't live inside of a giant clock. The only good way to spend New Years is with a couple of your buddies. You'll feel lonely that you don't have anyone to kiss at midnight, but at least you don't have all the extra baggage. Such is a holiday with an HEI under 1.0.

Independence Day

Satisfaction Rating: 8

Anticipation Rating: 5

HEI: 1.6

This day only takes a little bit of planning to be one of the funnest days of the year. Baseball, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, ice cream, blowing stuff up, and watching fireworks. These are the only things that need to be covered on the 4th:

There is enough food and beer for everyone
There are enough explosives to last 6-10 hours.
There is a venue nearby to watch a fireworks display come nightfall

All of these things are relatively easy. A few years back I found a deal on fireworks two towns over. It was an hour long round trip, but I got 200 dollars worth of fireworks for 50 bucks. That was an Independence Week. Plus, every television network and their mother runs a marathon of their most popular show, or someone plays the classic Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum movie. I haven't checked the schedule, but I'd bet SpikeTV is doing a Bond marathon this year. Plus, there's always a good chance for an impromptu Roman Candle fight. Just don't let any young kids see you doing it.

Thanksgiving

Satisfaction Rating: 7

Anticipation Rating: 5

HEI: 1.4

Thanksgiving is only one satisfaction rating removed from being Independence Day. This is mostly due to replacing warm summer weather with cool autumn weather and baseball with football. Baseball is better than football, for those who were unsure. The food is going to be much better, but there's also the problem of being cramped up inside with relatives and having no escape. A pickup game of pig skin can often break the ice with relatives you only see once every six months. Plus, nobody's going to want to talk about anything but good stuff when their gut is full of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and pie (pumpkin or apple). That is, unless, of course, the Browns happen to be playing. Then no one will have anything good to talk about. If you're the one preparing Thanksgiving dinner, this HEI can be changed depending on how much satisfaction you get from watching your loved ones take 45 seconds to imbibe a feast that took 6 hours to prepare.

Valentine's Day

Satisfaction Rating: 1

Anticipation Rating: 9

HEI: 0.111

This is one of the holidays for which the HEI was invented. Again, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you may add a point or two to the satisfaction rating - at least you'll be fooling around at the end of the night. But even that is going to feel like a Paul Haggis movie - forced and without passion. Or maybe that's a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game - going through the motions just because you're supposed to. In either case, romance is rarely the result of dinner, flowers, and chocolates. Two people come together when their chemistry (and hormonal drive) is sparking, and they feel like they're connecting. This is, more often than not, the result of spontaneity - not some arbitrary date on the calendar. Romance is never easy to create, even for the romantic. Approach this holiday with booze, food, or a concussive blow to the head.

St. Patrick's Day

Satisfaction Rating: 9

Anticipation Rating: 2

HEI: 4.5

The antithesis of Valentine's Day and the highest HEI rating on the calendar. There is greatness in simplicity. St. Patrick's Day requires only that you wake up, put on something green, toast to the Irish, and drink until you can't feel your face. I mean, can a person imagine a more amazing holiday? When's the last time you've ever heard someone had a terrible St. Patrick's Day? It doesn't happen! You go to a bar, and you've got instant kinship with anyone wearing green. The only thing you have to buy is beer or whiskey. Let's not forget there's going to be NCAA basketball to look forward to, and this holiday doesn't require that you spend it with anyone. No girlfriend, no boyfriend, no relatives, absolute Zero awkwardness. You rarely even see it coming on the calendar. It's the beginning of March, and I'm betting you haven't even considered St. Patrick's Day. Now that I've mentioned it, you're not even freaking out about it. Think if Valentine's Day was a week away, and I was mentioning it here - you'd be all freaked out about it. I don't know what greetings card company lobbied to create St. Patrick's Day, but they deserve our respect. So when you go out for St. Patty's day this year, plan on kissing an irishman. Wait.... What am I saying? Don't plan anything! Tschüs!

The Vexation of Maedvolk

2007-02-15T04:58:29Z

Note: The following is yet another creative work by yours truly. I've been looking for some outsiders that would like to post something here. If you've got something you'd like to send me, just put it in the mailbag. The first person to send something will probaby get it posted, because I'm lazy like that.

This all started on a night. But one should always begin before the beginning. The town of Maedvolk thrived of its own accord. It was sparsely populated, yet it was host to a moderately healthy economy. It was, perhaps, stuck several decades behind the outside world, but the citizens of this village payed little notice to the outside world. The town overlooked a sizeable bay that eventually fed into a great ocean. Most of the townspeople had forgotten what ocean this was. The town square consisted of a modest patch of lush, emerald-green grass bisected by two paths which crossed each other at a perpendicular. At said intersection, there stood a statue of an ample female. No one in the town could remember who the statue was cast after, but it was decided that the work done to create it would not be duplicated in this small town any time soon, and so the mystery woman would continue living at town's center. She would often catch the eye of the town's curious, young adolescents, but other than that her only purpose was to "finish off" the square. The statue was flanked on all sides by eight benches. It was on one of these benches that a young artist would sit and paint or draw each day. He was tall and handsome, but his countenance portrayed only modesty. He mostly made his living by sketching portraits for tourists and passersby. It was a rare occasion when he painted anything that sold of its own merit. Nigh down the eastbound path sat a small merchant's stand. On this particular day, the stand was vacant. It was owned by a fisherman who used it's prime location to sell his catch of the previous day. The fisherman was likely off in the bay on his tiny sailboat. With his nets out in the water, the fisherman would sit and play his fife until the nets were ready for his attention. He was tall and skinny and possessed a bronze tan that seemed to last through every season. Structuring the square on all sides stood an array of shops, offices, administrative buildings, and an unassuming place of worship. The busiest shop around this hour belonged to a stout yet sturdy butcher. He received pork, beef, and chicken from the various farms on the outskirts of Maedvolk and with them prepared the choicest links, roasts, and fillets that could be had in town. It was a rare moment that he didn't have a customer. Opposing the butcher shop in both liveliness and location was a lawyer's office. The master of this office was rarely about because he was rarely put to use. Instead, his scrivener was usually outsourced for any number of clerical tasks - most often the local businesses would hire him to prepare fliers of advertisement. The scrivener was a quiet gentleman who nonetheless owned a domineering presence. Each day after work, he would put on his coat and homburg and walk for twenty-five minutes back to his single-occupant home on Einman Lane in a suburban neighborhood of Maedvolk. The scrivener's was the second in a row of four single-occupant homes. One belonged to a stout yet sturdy butcher, another to a tall and skinny fisherman with an ever-present tan, and the last to a handsome, young artist. Here they lived in solidary as solitaries and each of them valued peace and privacy among all else. Now, this all started on a night. The artist struggled to paint a simple landscape, the scrivener closeted his coat and homburg and played a lonely game of cards, the fisherman lamented a slow tune through his fife, and the butcher fell into a mild coma by the spirit of his favorite spirit. It was in this moment that an inclination seeped through a window of each bachelor's home. This curiousity struck the respective gentleman on the brow. A yellow light roused their individual attentions, and each man moved toward the window to investigate. The light seemed to come from the sky, and so the inclination morphed into an invitation as each man found himself standing in the rear of his estate, barefoot, staring at the sky. A yellow star had ascended into the heavenlies and greeted the butcher, fisherman, artist, and scrivener. Each stared directly into the light produced by this yellow star, and the star itself seemed to peer precisely back into each soul standing on his back lawn. This intercourse lasted according to the curiousity of each man; the scrivener glancing only ten minutes and the artist on his lawn for just short of an hour.

The following day, the scrivener had his homborg tilted at a convivial angle, and the fisherman attracted quite an audience at his stand with his impressive catch and jovial fifing. The butcher prepared links and fillets in a manner that appealed to the eye and the palate. The artist topped them all. His latest work featured a beautiful young woman facing a bright yellow sunset on Maedvolk Bay. Somehow, it perfectly captured the mystique and embrace of the yellow star the previous night. A businessman on holiday purchased it for a modest sum. The secretary at the legal office remarked on the decided optimisim in the scrivener's penmanship as he left for the day with a conspicuous bounce in his step. Each of the four returned home that evening not to a lonely house but to the excitment of something new.

For a little more than a month, the scrivener wrote, the fisherman fished, and the butcher butchered with a joy and contentment that diffused into their respective trades and delighted their clients. All but the artist greatly increased their business. The artist was painting more with his newfound inspiration, but his work wasn't going for any more than a portrait for a tourist. This was of little consequence to the artist. The yellow star appeared in the sky every night and the four went out to the lawn to stare for what seemed a longer time with each passing evening. That is, until, the star was gone. One evening, the come-hither light trickled faintly through the window. The yellow star shined curiously in the sky this evening. It was not comfortable for the gentlemen. They stared, unsure of these present affairs. The once comforting light now seemed to emit anxiety and chagrin. In an instant, the star transmorphed into a magnficent bright red, and the men, protecting their eyes, turned away from it. And so quickly as it had changed, it was gone. The four became vexed by its absence.

Vexation cloaked Maedvolk. Optimism had left the pen of the scrivener, the knives of the butcher seemed to rust often and dull quickly, and the fisherman blurted crimes against nature from his fife. No fish would come near him. The artist seemed the least capable of handling vexation. Colors of darkness - charcoals, ebonies, and a thousand kinds o gray - and colors of passion - crimsons, carmines, and scarletts - seemed to eminate out of the once striking countenance and travel down through his hands, out to his brush, and onto the canvas. His works no longer resembled any specific person or place or discernable figure at all. Not a soul could pass the artist without sensing this ardent vexation. And as the people of Maedvolk purchased vexed meat and read vexed documents and consumed vexed fish and beheld the vexed art, they too were vexed. Vexation poured through the streets of Maedvolk and joy and contentment seemed to escape from the city's limits. The once emerald-green square took on a deathly shade of brown, and even the unamed statue seemed less bountiful - less prominent. Vexation had taken hold of Maedvolk, and the sky to which the butcher, fisherman, artist, and scrivener once looked nightly seemed unable to carry even the faintest twinkle.

Despite the obvious suffering the artist endured, his professional career was beginning to receive notice far beyond the borders of Maedvolk. While vexation had fouled the meat, fish, and script of his counterparts, it had empowered the artist to breakthroughs in contemporary art. The night after the star left, he painted a curiosity. Curiosities evolved as the nights became longer and the yellow star seemed to get further away. These curiosities soon became masterpieces, and wandering tourists were replaced by serious art collectors. Maedvolk, once a town mostly discovered by accident, became a town of culture relevance. Painters and singers and actors and poets came from all around to find inspiration in Maedvolk. They came to taste and see and read the same vexation that had inspired the artist. The artist opened a gallery and sold his art for amounts that could purchase any object man could create. A copier was brought into the legalist's office and the scrivener retired to start a firm in print advertisement. The butcher and the fisherman found themselves thriving in a booming economy despite thier vexed products. They purchased machinery and choice real estate and hired legions of workers to expand their enterprises. Their vexed hands would no longer be in contact with their livelihood. And so, the four found themselves in wealthy situations. They poured their money back into the town. Sod was lain in the town square and lights were hung and speakers were mounted to enhance the night. The once radiant square would radiate again. Opera houses and music halls and theaters were built to accomodate the thriving cultural center that had exploded in Maedvolk. Tourists came in droves and packs and spent hundreds and thousands and millions on show tickets and opera seats and hotel rooms and dinner reservations and Maedvolk thrived as it never had before. But for all the money, music, art, poetry, bright lights, and delicious foods - for all the power the four possessed - vexation would not leave Maedvook. There would be no peace for the fisherman, barber, artist, and scrivener.

It was a gentle night in the bustling city of Maedvolk. The scrivener had closeted his tuxedo upon returning from an opera. The artist was whirling paint at a canvas that would cover nearly two stories. The butcher had over indulged himself in brandy and relished in his inebriation. The fisherman had long replaced his fife with a stereo system. It was in this moment that an inclination seeped through a window of each bachelor's home. This curiousity struck the respective gentleman on the brow. A yellow light roused their individual attentions, and each man moved toward the window to investigate. The light seemed to come from the sky, and so the inclination morphed into an invitation as each man found himself standing in the rear of his estate, barefoot, staring at the sky. Only this time, there were tears. The yellow star had returned, and it's radiance shone with a sort of affection that the four had nearly forgotten. The four felt their vexation melt into oblivion. They stood there on their lawns until they were no longer vexed and their felicity returned.

Just as vexation had entered Maedvolk, so did it leave. The following day, the butcher returned to work in his old butcher shop, the artist sat down on his bench, the fisherman rebuilt his stand and retrieved his fife, and the scrivener closed down his business and returned to the law firm. Their new found bliss infected the town in the same manner that vexation had. The vexation that had inspired the town's cultural renaissance was clickly devoured and swallowed by contentment. And inspiration left with it. Theaters and opera houses were converted to shops and warehouses. Money for city projects dried up, and the lighting and speaker systems in the town square were removed. Actors and singers and painters could no longer find their inspiration, and so they left Maedvolk and tourists followed them on the out-bound road. The bright city quickly re-morphed into the village from which it came. Even the copier in the legalist's office deteriorated from from lack of upkeep. It was unnecessary, however, because the need for attorneys in Maedvolk was quickly vanishing. What the outside world viewed as greatness had left Maedvolk, but the old sensations of joy and peace had returned to its original inhabitants. There will be no complaints from the butcher, fisherman, scrivener, and artist. Their bright and shining star has returned - the bounce in their steps restored. And so it ended much like it began: On a night.

Hope you liked it! Tschüs!

Marla Jenkins

2007-02-03T18:02:22Z

The following is the first, original, creative work to be posted on patrickjdobson.com. It was written specifically for this post. If you would like to have something posted here, send it via the mailbag or get in touch with me via the mailbag and send your email address. If I like what you send, I'll post it.

Marla Jenkins. I love Marla Jenkins. Marla Jenkins is one of those ladies that you could meet up with once and never realize that she was the finest human being this side of the world. That is, of course, until she looks you in the eye and says those magical words: "I have flaring hemorroids." Yes, Marla Jenkins has a way with the English language that I've never been able to put my finger on. We met for the first time just north of Biloxi, Mississippi. I would say she was probably the ugliest woman I can remember setting eyes upon. She stood 6'7" if she was an inch. I would peg her weight between 240 and 260 lbs, and she was completely averse to the notions of "shaving" or "waxing". Yes, she had a stubborn nature about her. Her body hair was distinct, but the loony thing about Marla was how she cared for it. Every strand was washed and rewashed and then conditioned and reconditioned. Yes, she had quite a coat of hair on her, but when you got up close enough to touch it, you had a comfortable urge to run your hands through it - to bury your face in it. Marla was really more sasquatch than human. Now, I said she weighed about 250 lbs. This was no soft deuce and change. Marla was a rock. The first day I met her, she was waitin' tables at the Sugarfoot diner on Popps Ferry Road. She walked out of the kitchen carryin' 4 catfish dinners, 2 orders of fried chicken, 3 plates of popcorn shrimp, 3 pots of coffee and a whole apple pie. All of this was balanced on 4 trays spread across her sizeable wingspan. I think it's fair to say I started to fallin' in love with Marla Jenkins at around that time. "Alright youngins, y'all need to eat up all yer food now, lest you grow up and catch the E.D." Yes, Marla Jenkins has a way with the English language that I've never been able to put my finger on. I waited outside of the diner until she got off. I'm not one to make big romantic gestures. I'm not even one to make gestures, but I really needed to talk to this goliath of a woman. She walked out, still dressed in her waitressin' clothes, and she stared right at me as she lit a cigarrette. I stared right back, but was unable to say a word. She moved in my direction. Now, I don't dare call how Marla Jenkins moves 'walkin'. No, Marla moves with a grace and dignity that women half her size aspire to. That woman saunters somethin' poetic across every room and down every road. I think I could watch Marla glide for hours and never lose fascination. "I've got tampons bigger then you." Yes, Marla Jenkins has a way with the English language that I've never been able to put my finger on. She floated right on by me, and went off into the darkness. I returned the following day and waited for her again and I achieved the same results. When Marla spoke, it wasn't the words you listened to. You were frozen by her voice - her intonation. Marla's words seem to float on the air; they bathe your head in some intoxicating fragrance before resting on the tips of your ears and entering your head in a kind of elegegant osmosis. For one week I met Marla infront of the Sugarfoot. Monday: "They all want to devour your dreams" Tuesday: "My forearms taste like Poland in the spring" Wednesday: "I have inhaled big blue blankets before going to the cave" Thursday: "My house is painted with the fear of young children" Friday: "Dinner and Dugongs are my idea of a good date" Saturday: "Nights with me are like ocular surgery: you'll want to cry after, but you won't be able to" Yes, Marla Jenkins has a way with the English language that I've never been able to put my finger on. After the last two nights, it occured to me that I was being propositioned. So it was incumbent upon me to go ahead and follow Marla home. Some 15 minutes into the walk, it occured to me that I might be stalking Marla. At this, I had a powerful urge to strike poor Marla with a stone. I found a nice smooth one on the side of the road, wound back, and let it fly. It struck her in the head, and she instantly blurted out one of her Marlaisms and continued walking as if she was unbothered. Now, I don't recall if I've said this, but Marla was a rock-solid gargantuan. Through the duration of the 45 minute walk, I must have thrown about 25 stones at Marla. And right after each throw, she went and said somethin' as if on cue. She was like a Chatty Cathy doll, and me throwin' the stones was like pullin' the string. She walked up to a motel door, opened it, and stood there patient-like as I approached. I wanted to introduce myself. "Hi Marla, my name is..." But this seemed to interfere with the plan that Marla had in her head all along. She put her hand over my mouth, and lifted me up in her exceedingly strong arms. I felt incredibly safe as well as warm in her fleecy embrace. She took me over the threshold of that little hotel room, and that was it. I don't recall a great many of the details of that evening. An' as a man of honor, I reckon I wouldn' tell you if I did. But I am certain of one thing. That evening I became a man. It's been 15 years, and I haven't seen Marla Jenkins since. All that I have left of her is a note she left in the motel room: "Some birds are meant to violated after you swallow them." I got married 5 years ago this August. My wife and one child know nothing of Marla, and it's likely they never will. But I do know one thing for sure: I love Marla Jenkins. Marla Jenkins.

I hope you liked Marla Jenkins. It was just something I threw together off the cuff. Let me know what you think! Tschüs!