Though there wasn't much to dialogue about, I decided to do a running dialogue of Game 2. This was actually a terrible game, despite the uplifting final score.
Let's go to Patrick, Dobson, and J for the run down!
Patrick: Ahhh, the NBA finals. And what better way to celebrate than a running dialogue of Game 2?
Dobson: How about a running dialogue of game 1? You said you were going to write "mini entries". When are these showing up?
Patrick: Hey, I got kind of swept up in the moment. And I had to catch up on my Sopranos this weekend, so give me a break.
J: Sopranos! Sopranos! Sopranos!
Dobson: Ah yes, the finale. Tony's going to die, you know. But isn't the finale playing the same time as the game?
Patrick: Yes, quite the predicament. Luckily, I have the answer: Replays. HBO constantly replays their original series, and as chance would have it, there's a replay of the season finale tonight at 1am. So i'll be staying up for that.
J: Tony! No!!
Dobson: But what about this game? We have Mike Wilbon, Dan Patrick, and Co. giving us the pregame at this point.
Patrick: This game is a must-win for the Spurs.
J: Timmy!
Dobson: J raises a good point. Why do the Spurs need to win this game?
Patrick: Because it's at home, duh. The Cavs handled Detroit, and the Pistons won the first two games of the series at home. San Antonio has to win tonight, the Cavs do not.
Dobson: Right, the next three games are in Cleveland. San Antonio doesn't need to put themselves in the pressure situation of knowing they MUST win on the road in this series. Especially with 3 straight in Cleveland.
J: ALBA!
Patrick: Fantastic Four commercial.
Dobson: Going to see it?
Patrick: Pfft, no. You see the Wikipedia on the Silver Surfer? The guy can't be beat! They're going to have to appeal to his....*sigh*...emotion.
Dobson: Yeah, that's pretty lame. Hollywood really needs a super hero with chutzpah.
Patrick: Yeah, modern day heros in movies like Tobey's Spider-Man and Vincent Chase's Aquaman just don't have the guilliones of Sly and Arnold's heros of yesteryear.
Dobson: Hey look, it's Tony Parker. There's a speedy super hero for you.
Patrick: Overrated! Overrated! Overrated!
Dobson: You can't be serious.
J: Eva Eva Eva Eva!
They look at J.
Patrick: Tony Parker is so overrated. I don't care how fast he is, the larger Larry Hughes has a much worse foot injury than originally thought. He didn't have a problem against Detroit because he didn't have to use his speed. Parker, as seen from his performances against the Cavs earlier, is a non-factor if Hughes is healthy.
Dobson: I don't by it. You're full of crap.
J: Poo-poo!
Patrick: Yeah, you're probably right.
Dobson: Look at that family sitting down to watch the Heat play. They seem kind of excited. This was obviously filmed before they found out that Alonzo Mourning and Shaquille O'Neal were running on body parts stolen from Cuban immigrants.
Patrick: I hope we get some decent commercials. This is the finals!
Dobson: American Inventor. What do you think?
Patrick: Destined for failure. How are Americans supposed to judge this? American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, we think we know when something is good. But what about inventions? These are going to have to be the most low-brow inventions ever: The ass-wiping robot or exploding mime food. I mean, where is the love for the guy that makes a better transmission?
Dobson: Yeah, that series is going to be lametown.
Patrick: Predictions are up. Everyone takes the Spurs. Big suprise.
Dobson: Well who wins this game?
Patrick: I'll say the Spurs.
Dobson: Really?
Patrick: Yes. That Tim Duncan is a monster. Not to mention a dream boat.
Dobson: I'm taking the Cavs.
Patrick: Well I'll be happy to take you up on that. Care to make it interesting?
Dobson: Yes, If I win, you have to wash J.
They look at J.
J: Tubby Time!
Patrick: Done.
Dobson: National Anthem by Leann Rimes.
Patrick: I am enjoying that black dress.
Dobson: Is she from Texas?
Patrick: Jackson, Mississippi.
Dobson: Nice call, IMDB?
Patrick: Wikipedia.
Dobson: Look, it's Greg Popovich.
Patrick: He's got all the enthusiasm of a can of albacore Tuna.
J: ALBA!!-core.
Dobson: Right. You'd think the best coach in the NBA would be excited about his job. He looks like you on the train to work every morning.
Patrick: Burn.
Dobson: I thought so.
Patrick: Player announcements. Undertaker theme music? Wow...
Dobson: That's just mean. You gotta know that the folks at the Q will respond in kind.
Patrick: Agreed. This is going to be an excellent running story line throughout the series.
Dobson: The Spurs music, though, sounds like something out of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Can you tell me what that is?
Patrick: Sorry, it must have not been a very good movie. Look, they followed it up with a Jock-Jam.
Dobson: Oh, right. I've never heard this song at a sporting event. I feel like it's 1991, only neither of these teams is as interesting as those Chicago Bulls.
Patrick: You were 6 years old and more worried about SNES and Disney World. Don't even act like you knew about the NBA Finals.
Dobson: I have ESPN classic and a DVD player, don't act like this isn't the 21st century.
Patrick: Ooo, inspiring entry animation! NBA players are playing in the streets. Does any of this really mean anything to you?
Dobson: Like I said, it's really just a Saturday afternoon with ESPN Classic to me.
Patrick: Yeah, it could have been heartwarming for an Audience over 45. I wonder what that's like.
Dobson: 9AM, it's game time. Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, and Mike Breen. Exciting group?
Patrick: Oh, the most exciting. I know that listening to Jeff Van Gundy always gets me amped up. Just look at what it did for the Rockets!
Dobson: Nice.
Patrick: As always.
J:You're better than that!
Dobson: A Mark Jackson reference from J. His suit is a bit plain though.
Patrick: Agreed. If you're the token black man on an announcer panel, you should be wearing something with contrasting pin stripes at least. Hey look! Men's Warehouse commercial, right on time!
Dobson: Yeah, but Mark Jackson isn't going to be able to get a plaid suit or something in magenta at Men's Warehouse. By the way, isn't this topic of conversation mildly racist?
Patrick: Probably, but I'm strangely comfortable with it. I'm fairly certain we can't be fired.
J: This is why I rock!
Dobson: J brings up another good point. Why would they change the lyrics to that song for a Zune commercial?
Patrick: Chuckles is probably rolling in his grave.
J gasps.
Patrick: ...if he were dead.
J is noticeably relieved.
Dobson: Ok, here's the tip...
Patrick: Duncan out jumps Z again. Nothing new there.
Dobson: Aye, we probably won't win a single tip in this series.
Patrick: Lebron puts back a Larry Hughes jumper.
Dobson: And Tony Parker answers. Lebron is going to have to be that agressive down low. A missed hook by Ilgauskus.
Patrick: That never happens.
Dobson: Yeah, you never know what you'll see in the NBA Finals. Larry Hughes missing jumpers, Big Z missing hooks, and Tim Duncan dominating down low early. Go figure.
Patrick: Lebron draws the foul on Duncan. Gotta like the early aggression.
Dobson: Absolutely. Think he'll have enough for the whole game?
Patrick: Yeah, but if he can't make free-throws, it won't matter.
Dobson: Ouch, missed them both. His teamates are going to have to make shots too.
Patrick: And not let Oberto have easy layups.
Dobson: Van Gundy and Mark Jackson just insulted the entire city of San Antonio. I guess they haven't discovered the joys of peeing on the Alamo.
Patrick: Harsh.
Dobson: Lebron gets his second foul. He's coming out.
Patrick: So much for being agressive. This game may already be over.
Dobson: Here's Boobie.
Patrick: That may be the best thing that happens in this series. Let's see if Boobie can make a few baskets and show Mike Brown what is already painfully obvious to everyone.
Dobson: An and-1 for Tony Parker after he drove on Drew Gooden. Go figure there.
Patrick: Yeah, I woke up this morning saying to myself that I hope Drew Gooden guards Tony Parker as much as possible.
Dobson: A floater from Finley. Spurs 14. Cavs 6. Maybe I should go get my soap. The Cavs look lost right now. This isn't even really basketball.
Patrick: Yeah, sometimes things happen that bleed you of all your hope. Tony Parker playing showtime basketball in the first quarter after doing the same thing last thursday is one of those things.
Dobson: Lebron James on the bench with 8 minutes left in the first quarter is another.
Patrick: Did I ever tell you I hate Mike Brown?
Dobson: About 12 times before breakfast this morning.
Patrick: Oh, well I hate Mike Brown. I just want to make sure you know.
Dobson: I don't know about this Shaq's Big Challenge business. We should have some kind of boot camp for parents that kill their children by feeding them bacon fat and brownie milkshakes for 3 meals a day.
Patrick: That would be excellent! Maybe James Gandolfini can run it! I know Tony Soprano would be an excellent candidate to run a fat camp for parents.
Dobson: Eric Snow is running the offense. This is good when you're down 8, right?
Patrick: Yeah, especially when you've already got like 57 turn overs. Is that a record for the first quarter?
Dobson: I believe it is.
Patrick: Lebron James is still on that bench. Gotta love this strategy by Brown. I mean, it's not like he's the smartest player on the team or anything. Why would you trust him to stay out of foul trouble?
Dobson: Maybe it's a bait and switch. The Cavs were 3-1 w/o Lebron this year.
Patrick: That's true. In fact, we should do this with everything. Let's change Surf+Turf from steak and lobster to haggis and whale penis while we're at it.
Dobson: Dork.
Patrick: Oh good, name calling.
Dobson: No, that's what a whale's penis is called. A dork.
Patrick: Oh. Weird.
Dobson: Daniel Gibson hits a three. 13-16 Spurs.
Patrick: Go figure. Maybe they should play this guy more often?
Dobson: I think we already pointed out that would make too much sense.
Patrick: This Coors commercial with the grizzled dad giving him a beer like it was a condom is excellent. We get the gimmicky, yet crappy taste of Coors and also a look at an extremely colorful performance in a beer commercial. A rare combo.
J: Sopranos!
Dobson: The Sopranos are halfway through at this point. Think Tony is still alive?
Patrick: Tough to say. Would they kill him this early so that there'd be enough falling action to wrap up the series, or do they kill him at the end? A difficult decision to be sure.
Dobson: Hey! it's the Q!!
Patrick: 3D HD!!! I so wish I was there.
Dobson: This is just wrong. Why would they tease us like this? As if watching games 3, 4, and (hopefully) 5 wasn't going to be punishment enough.
Patrick: Yeah, we're in the city that never sleeps, but we'd much rather be at the mistake by the lake.
Dobson: Indeed. Seems like Lebron's going to be out for the entire first.
Patrick: Yeah, have I said that I hate Mike Brown yet?
Dobson: That's twice now.
Patrick: Ginobli hits a three and Marshall misses a 3 followed by a gorgeous dime from Barry. Cavaliers basketball everyone!
Dobson: Yeah, the crew mentions that Manu, Tony, and Timmy had 67 of the Spurs 85 points in game 1. You'd think that Mike Brown would make some adjustments.
Patrick: In all fairness, Greg Popovich did teach him everything he knows.
Dobson: Wow, that was gracious.
Patrick: Yes, and I hate mike Brown. That's number 3.
Dobson: Yes it is. Barry cashes a three as the Spurs go up 15 in the first quarter. Maybe it's time for Lebron to come back in?
Patrick: Nah. I say rest him up for game 3 at this point. Let's go for a blowout record loss.
Dobson: Yeah, if they lose by 40 or 50, this team will go down in history!
Patrick: Mike Brown really raises the bar. Gotta love him.
Dobson: Do you?
Patrick: No. I hate Mike Brown.
Dobson: That makes 4.
Patrick: A flop and a foul for Andy Varejao. Van Gundy thinks it's the hair.
Dobson: I agree. The hair is a total foul.
Patrick: Oh, someone's being a bitch.
Dobson: I'm sorry, it's that time of the month for me.
Patrick: Bowen, Duncan, and Parker are on the bench. It's nice to know that the Spurs are able to rest up as well.
Dobson: And extend the lead to boot!
Patrick: Cavaliers Championship basketball.
Dobson: That's the end of the quarter. Spurs 28. Cavs 17.
Patrick: It was close there for a while when it was 13-16.
Dobson: Yeah, but then the Spurs woke up and decided they'd score 12 of the next 16 points. That's with most of their starters on the bench.
Patrick: Ok. I'm taking a break.
J: Tony!!!
Dobson: I'd like to see what's going on with the family too, but we have to be patient.
Patrick: Lebron starts the quarter by missing two jumpers.
Dobson: And Duncan starts it by making two easy buckets. It's so strange how benching your best players can be a terrible move for one coach and a genius one for another.
Patrick: Right. But I'm not certain I'd call Pop a genius just yet. I mean, sitting your best player while the other team is foolishly sitting theirs? It's not rocket science here.
Dobson: Ginobli hits another 3. Spurs by 17.
Patrick: I'm beginning to think the Sopranos was the right call.
Dobson: I agree. Tony could be dead already, and we may have missed it.
Patrick: Marshall misses a three after a Spurs switch again forces James to pass. Should it be this hard to get around Oberto? I mean, can the San Antonio defense be this good?
Dobson: I'm starting to regret our bet.
Patrick: And it seems like J has gotten into a bag of onions!
J: Weeeeee! Stinky!
Dobson: Bloody hell! I knew you were up to no good when you left for that break.
Patrick: Heh. Let's make another bet then, maybe we can give you a chance to win something tonight. How many points do the Cavs score?
Dobson: 35.
Patrick: Ok, I'm going to say 75, just to give you a chance.
Dobson: Price is Right rules?
Patrick: Is there a different set I don't know about?
Dobson: Mike Breen asks Van Gundy and Jackson how the Cavs get back into the game.
Patrick: Silence.
Dobson: Yeah, I've never seen such a lack of hope midway through the 2nd quarter in an NBA finals on the part of the announcers.
Patrick: Well, Lebron just aired a foul shot.
Dobson: Hooray for Cleveland Sports.
Patrick: Yes, hooray indeed.
Dobson: A pretty dunk from Lebron. The start of a Cavs run?
Patrick: Absolutely. But the real hero here is Mike Brown. If he can just have a sudden fatal heart attack, we can get back into this thing.
Dobson: Well, I don't think it would have to be fatal, just a heart attack would put him out of commission.
Patrick: Yeah, well, I hate Mike Brown.
Dobson: Ladies and Gentleman, Patrick has put up a 5 spot.
Patrick: I knew I could do it.
Dobson: Boobie hits a long 2. Cavs are within 14.
Patrick: I'd be happy if they could get it within 10 by halftime. The Spurs look like they're getting complacent.
Dobson: That's what did in the Pistons.
Patrick: Yes, maybe this has been Mike Brown's plan all along. Suck as hard as you can until you bore your opponent to a lower talent level. Then, when they've given up on focusing because they're too disgusted to play well, start playing good basketball. It's really quite brilliant.
Dobson: Brilliant huh?
Patrick: Brilliant and terrible. I hate Mike Brown.
Dobson: That makes the double hat trick.
Patrick: Varejao missed two free throws and somehow that brought the crowd back into it. I've never seen a fanbase cheer so exhuberantly for the sucky play of the other team.
Dobson: Cripes, Tony Parker. Right now, he's shooting to join John Elway, Gary Sheffield, and Michael Jordan in the pantheon of athletes that have ripped Cleveland's heart out.
Patrick: Here's the Amex commercial with Scorcese. He's a much better actor than he is a speech giver.
Dobson: Yeah, you think after all those losses he'd be pretty good at writing an acceptance speech.
Patrick: Well played, sir.
Dobson: I think Mark Jackson just achieved an erection to the play of Tony Parker.
Patrick: Mark Jackson makes a Sesame Street reference and Mike Breen thinks it's the first in NBA history. Agreed?
Dobson: Not at all. The Street and the Finals have been simultaneously around too long for that to be a possiblity.
Patrick: Agreed. Duncan easily scores over Z. He's got 14.
Dobson: Yeah, there's really no reason to watch this anymore.
Patrick: Down by 22? I'm telling you, it could be historic. We should keep watching in case that deficit balloons to 40 or 50.
Dobson: Ok, if it looks like things are going to change in the 3rd quarter, we'll keep watching. Otherwise, let's go get some chow.
Patrick: Good call.
Dobson: Varejao fouls Tim Duncan. He makes one. Spurs by 25. Would you say this is typical of Cleveland sports?
Patrick: Shying away from a championship game like a dog from a chinese neighborhood? Yeah, that sounds about right.
Dobson: If you had to guess, how many points would Lebron have to score total in order for the Cavs to win this game.
Patrick: Well, since none of the other Cavs showed up for this game defensively or offensively, I'm going to say 225.
Dobson: Well that would be more than any one team has ever scored.
Patrick: Yeah, but I really have faith in the Spurs at this point.
Dobson: Robert Horry is having a career night. They're really pouring on the salt now.
Patrick: Remember to take plastic bags, lengths of rope, sharp objects, and abrasive chemicals out of my room before I go to bed tonight.
Dobson: Already done. I also took away your TV, you should probably avoid ESPN for a year or so.
Patrick: Yeah.
Dobson: Horry is irrate for not getting fouled after a botched 3 pointer. They're only up by 25, I can understand his anger. I mean, it's only the end of the half!
Patrick: 25 points at the half. Tony Parker reminds us that the Cavs are still and NBA team. Thanks Tony, I had forgotten myself.
Dobson: Oh wait, are these the Cavs? I thought we were watching the Browns try to beat the Spurs.
Patrick: Fast Cars and Superstars. Think it'll be worth watching?
Dobson: Absolutely. Hopefully someone will get into a massive accident. I'm voting for David Blaine.
Patrick: Yes, and with that witticism, we're taking a break. Time to get some food.
J gets up. Changes the channel to HBO, sees that the Sopranos is already over, and starts to cry. He wets himself and runs out of the room.
Patrick: I'm issuing a boycott to all readers (both of you). The McDonald's off of Water St. in lower Manhattan has the worst service in the world. Avoid it at all costs.
Dobson: Yeah, there's really no excuse for that. One barbecue sauce for 10 Chicken McNuggets? That's the worst policy since no touching the stripper.
Patrick: Indeed!
Dobson: What's going on with the game?
Patrick: 4th quarter. The Cavs are down by 29. That's not too bad, actually, considering they were down by 25 at the half. I guess we've been robbed of history.
Dobson: Yes, no history will be made tonight, but maybe Lebron can dunk a basketball with Manu Ginobli riding on his back. He was close midway through the 3rd.
Patrick: Yep. I'm being told the Cavs went on a 7 point run in the 3rd. They'll need to focus on that brightspot if they don't want their heads to explode in the film room this week.
Dobson: Sooo, are we done yet?
Patrick: Yeah, we're done. You go wash J, I'm going to get drunk.
They leave.
Dobson: Oh, cripes, J! You smell like urine!
Not the best example of Cleveland Sports greatness, but at least they cut down the lead at the end! I'm telling you, complacency could be Cleveland's best friend!
Tschüs!