Spectating Savant

In recounting his feeling entering the 1993 NBA Finals, Michael Jordan described the Phoenix Suns as portraying the little brother to Chicago's elder sibling. The Suns, he noted, might win one or two out of seven, but there was no stopping the Bulls in the end.

And who could blame him? The Bulls had just won back-to-back NBA titles, and they had overcome the great franchises in Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit and (ahem) Cleveland to do it. Charles Barkely and the Suns of Phoenix could do little else but play Beaver to Jordan's Wally.

It is now 14 years later, and we're looking at a very different NBA, and the current big brother of this middle-aged 2007 NBA Season is none other then the Phoenix Suns. In some cases, bigger brother may be too weak a description. After watching the Suns systematically dismantle my Cleveland Cavaliers on two separate occasions this year, I'm apt to call Phoenix my daddy.

And certainly not the new age paternal figure who builds his child's confidence by letting him win and using positive reinforcement. I'm talking about the dad that rejects every feeble layup from his grammar school, pre-teen, then goes in the house and drinks his dinner with a glazed over look of personal disappointment in his eye.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

The build-up to Sunday's game in Cleveland was clear. After a 109-90 routing at the hands of the Suns and a 2-5 road trip that was capped off with a home loss to the post-Iverson 76ers, the Cavs faithful had a sour taste in it's mouth. A convenient toe injury kept Lebron on the bench and resting Friday night as the Cavalier supporting cast managed to put up 105 without Lebron - a feat that shocked me, regardless of the inept Phillie opponent. A fresh Lebron flanked by newly confident role players in front of the home crowd insured every advantage would be given to the Cavs. Throw in a little brother chip on the shoulder, and victory should have been assured.

But something else happened.

It was Sunday afternoon, and Dad was still hung over from the night before. I wasn't really sure what was wrong with him, but I knew that he wasn't going to be at the top of his game today.

The Cavs began with a defined resolve that was absent for most of their road trip. LeBron and Drew Gooden both came out with big dunks early. The lead went back and forth, but when the Cavaliers' second unit extended their lead against a vastly superior Suns bench crew, it seemed that victory was possible today.

Or maybe Dad was just waking up.

The game continued on it's see-saw course through the 3rd quarter. What I was enjoying the most was that my team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, was going shot for shot with the Phoenix Suns - the most prolific scoring team in the league. Lebron was being Lebron, and Drew Gooden was playing lights out. Had Larry Hughes been hitting his shots, this game might have been a blowout.

Then I realized something. Dad didn't really want to play at all. He was out there, in the backyard, but he didn't really have that twinkle in his eye. He was sort of slumped over like he had been the victim of a power-nag on the way home from church. Mom had told him to bring me outside and tire me out.

As the game went on into it's waning minutes, the Cavs clearly started to fatigue. There shots weren't falling, and they couldn't get good looks. The Phoenix depth was just too much for Cleveland, and the Suns started shining down threes as tired Cavs defenders couldn't keep on their man in the face of a switch. All of this courtesy of two-time MVP Steve Nash. Nash would drive off of a pick and immediately kick it back out to the open man; who was happy to oblige this opportunity by quieting the Q and increasing the lead by three points.

I guess if you want to keep the metaphor going, Nash can be Dad's head or something. Yeah, I think I'm good with that. (And yeah, I think D'Antoni was mom from before. Sorry Mike.)

So the Cavaliers fell to the Suns once again, and Phoenix completed a season sweep of Lebron and company.

Though I'm not big on moral victories, the supporting cast played an excellent game on Sunday. Drew Gooden had 19 points and 14 rebounds, and Donyell Marshall added another 15 points. If the team can continue playing like this, and Larry Hughes can get into the swing of things, we can beat anyone in the league.

Anyone, of course, that isn't our daddy.

---

In site news, this is the first entry in the history of patrickjdobson.com. Feel free to soak this in as a meaningful event.

I'll give you a moment.

(...)

(...)

Pauses are tough to pull off in print.

This is how things are going to go:

• I am going to attempt to make an entry everyday (unlikely).
• I am going to be insightful (read: boring).
• I am going to be funny (read: conceited).
• I am going write about stuff you (don't) care about.
• I am going to (rudely) answer your emails. So make use of them!
• Feel free to send whatever you want to me. Creative works. Entries of your own. Whatever. If I like it, I'll print it.

So now I've run out of things to write.

Don't ever come back.

Tschüs!

Watch Magic Johnson in the studio on TNT, and he will inevitably talk about "winning time". It's the time of the game where the greats overcome fatigue. They defeat their opponents and leave them slumped in a wilted pose for the local newspaper.

In my first sports blog entry, I mentioned how the Phoenix Suns wore down my Cleveland Cavaliers and overtook them in the 4th quarter with superior depth. At a glance, it would seem that the Cavs were beaten mentally as well as physically. However, this may not be entirely true. Perhaps the Suns are the fools in this scenario. Are they the ones being duped in the bigger picture?

The Phoenix Suns and the Dallas Mavericks currently hold the second best and best record in the NBA respectively. However I must make the following...

Bold Prediction: Neither the Suns nor the Mavs will make the NBA finals.

See, the reason that Magic and Michael and Bird all took over in the 4th quarter was because they didn't play all out for the first 36 minutes. They had energy left over; they weren't wiped out. Teams will often get caught up in the hype, come out blazing, and have nothing left over for the 4th quarter. Early moderation is key.

After a long week of (avoiding) school work, I like to enjoy my weekends with a touch of alcohol (Read: I drink 'till desk lamps look attractive). A modest pre-game of beer or liquor before a party or sporting event is a good way to avoid small talk and get straight to the "The Red Sox have potential on paper, but there's no way all those 'if's' will work out" or the "I'm in love with you fiancee, and I think that she's having my baby" conversations. However, frontloading your whole night on the pre-game will ultimately leave you oblivious and usually belligerent. The next day, one of your buddies is only going to be bitter because he had to babysit you while you called him a "cocksmoke" and everyone else scored hookups.

Or you could take it easy in the outset.

Now, being Magic and Michael and Bird meant not having to play in 5th gear the entire game. They were more than competitive for the first three periods without going all out. However, the team with the most energy at the end of the game is usually going to win it. The guy with the legs at the end to make the winning jump shot will. Being the best doesn't always mean having the best game - sometimes it means playing the smartest game.

Aim to be the guy with enough stomach left to take tequila shots with the cleavage that had to work late and arrived sober. That guy has the easy road to a buxom paradise.

So why shouldn't we apply this theory to an entire season?

Case 1: Two years in a row, the St. Louis Cardinals fielded one of the best teams in baseball. They won 105 games in 2004, barely made the World Series, and were swept by the Red Sox. The following year, they won 100 games and took the division, but fell to the Houston Astros in the NLCS. The Astros occupied the slot below the Cardinals in their own division that year.

Tony LaRussa took flak for pushing his team to hard in the regular season and wearing them out before the playoffs.

This past season, the Cardinals crawled into the playoffs with an 83-78 record. They outlasted a better San Diego Padres team, snuck past the severely better New York Mets, and finally became David to the Detroit Tigers' Goliath. Yes, it was a Cinderella Story.

Except, maybe it wasn't. The Cardinals have arguably the best hitter and pitcher in baseball in Albert Pujols and Chris Carpenter and they played as such. Role players like So Taguchi and Jeff Suppan each came through when they needed to, and the rested team with more potential than anyone realized prevailed. The Cardinals didn't kill themselves in the regular season (partially done by accident because of injury) and they won it all.

Case 2:In the 2005/2006 season, the Indianapolis Colts were the best team in football. Tony Dungy led them to within inches of joining the '72 Dolphins as the only NFL team to go undefeated in a Season (Shawne "Juicy Juice" Merriman was the key to their downfall) They had an excellent defense - their only weak point in past seasons, and they entered the playoffs with the best record in the NFL.

However, The 6th seeded Pittsburgh Steelers proved to be too much for the Colts, and the game was decided in a close 4th quarter. Pittsburgh, too, had suffered injuries during the season that forced some of their players into restricted duty and saved them from the chaos of gameday. Once again, the rested team in the playoffs prevailed.

This year, the Colts got off to a hot start once again, but they didn't continue on that path. After their 9th win(what it took to make the playoffs this year), it seemed the Colts were satisfied with their regular season. The puttered into the post season going 3-4 the rest of the season.

But a 4th seed would not stop the Colts from making it to the Super Bowl. They overcame the Kansas City Chiefs, who they were supposed to lose to. They beat the Baltimore Ravens, who they were supposed to lose to. And they dodged the New England Patriots, who they are always supposed to lose to. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI and received their title.

Tony Dungy, I suspect, stopped his intensive preparation for each week after the Colts had won nine games. Playoff preparations were made, and team preferred rest to winning every week.

Case 3: One season ago, the Detroit Pistons had run away with the regular season. They won 64 games - 12 more than any other team in the conference and one better than the San Antonio Spurs. In the first round, they dispatched the Milwaukee Bucks in 5 games, and moved on to face the Cleveland Cavaliers in the second round.

The Cavs had just come off an exhausting yet historic series with the Washington Wizards in the previous round. The Cavs, tired after a tough fought series, came out sluggishly. Detroit dominated LeBron and company in the first two games, but the Cavs weren't going down without a fight. Cleveland won the 3rd and 4th games at home and then beat the Pistons on the road to go up 3-2 in the series. Detroit was able to pull together and win the next two, but not at a huge cost to their stamina.

The Pistons were in sludge after the series with Cleveland. Despite winning 12 more games than the Heat during the regular season, the Pistons were soundly defeated by Miami who had quickly dispatched the New Jersey Nets in 5 games the previous round. Miami went on to win the NBA Championship because they paced themselves correctly and had all the stamina they needed for winning time.

Paying credence to winning time is more crucial in the NBA than in any other sport. In all three sports, the regular season is 6 months long give or take a few weeks. However, MLB and the NFL wrap their playoffs up in one month's time. The NBA Playoffs (thanks to the idiocy of having 16 teams) last 3 months. No where is energy conservation more important than the NBA.

A team has to go into the post season ready to shift into high gear. Once they're in the post season, they have to use that high gear to dispatch teams quickly and rest between each series. This is how championships are made.

Before you get to the party, you need to be closer to sober than drunk. True, no girls will talk to you at all if you haven't had a few already, but you won't be able to talk back if your tounge is securely fastened to the roof of your mouth. Plus, if you're too drunk to play pong or flip cup, well, then you have rely on your wits. And you don't have wits.

Phoenix started the season going 3-6. Dallas started the season going 0-4. Thereafter, both teams shifted into their high gear and have been dominant ever since. Neither Phoenix nor Dallas will have the stamina necessary to compete in the playoffs. The San Antonio Spurs, on the other hand, seem a team that isn't quite playing at its highest level. With veteran coach Greg Papovich at the helm, I think it's highly likely that the Spurs have not yet begun to fight, and they won't for another couple of months.

Based on my own expert analysis of watching my beloved Cavaliers on a regular basis, I would say the Cavs are also not playing at their highest level. A lesson that was clearly learned last year as LeBron completely ran out of gas against Detroit. Some say that LeBron is playing non-chalantly these days. I know this to be impossible. He takes heat from the media saying he's not playing hard enough. I say he's not playing hard as well, but that's not a put down. He's smart, and he'll have what he needs for winning time. Jordan learned it the same way. After he averaged 37 in a season, he realized he couldn't win every game on his own and win in the playoffs. A few years later, the Bulls had their first championship.

So I ask you, fans, what would you rather have? A top seeded team in the NBA playoffs, or a fourth seeded team that runs the table and wins it all? No one will remember the difference between winning 55 games and 45 games if there is a parade downtown when the season is over.

Besides, if there's another gent at the party talking to a young lady you've found yourself interested in, it's always better to be less drunk than he is. Showing genuine concern for his inebriated condition while simultaneously labeling him too weak to hold his liquor can only keep the ball in your court.

As for the Mavs and Suns, well, I would suggest you start losing. It'd really be better for everyone, including yourselves. Keeping a moderate pace is much less taxing.

Once the stamina is gone, the champagne chilling in the locker room (or dorm room) will never get opened.

Tschüs!

The NBA playoffs are upon us. And as sports fans, it is our duty to stand up and take note of the playoffs. That is, unless, of course, those playoffs are played on ice and the players are using sticks. Those playoffs are still on probation from my attention until A)The Penguins make the Finals or B) Hockey gets more than 3 minutes per hour of Sportscenter. Which reminds me of a rant I need to make before I get to the playoffs...

Fuck Sportscenter and Fuck ESPN!!!!

The fact that there has been at least 4 hours worth of NFL coverage on ESPN a day since the NFL season ended is completely and totally unacceptable. IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!! Baseball is well underway, the NHL playoffs are well underway, the NBA playoffs are poised to begin, and we're still geting 8 hours of NFL coverage a day! NFL Live still gets an entire hour. Sportscenter special editions devoted entirely to NFL Draft coverage are dominating the air waves! I can't even begin to describe the insanity of this!

Where is Baseball Tonight? Where is NBA Fastbreak? Why haven't I heard from Barry Melrose making enough to feed his family? Do they still run NASCAR races on Sundays?

Sidney Crosby recently became the youngest player ever to win the NHL scoring title, Kobe Bryant seems to puts up 50 w/o breaking a sweat, Alex Rodiriguez is having a historically good April, but the only fucking person I'm hearing about is fucking Brady Quinn!!! What has he done at the pro level? FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!!!

As a general guideline, I don't drop the F-Bomb unless it's completely necessary to make my point. Well, I just dropped it a half dozen times in 3 paragraphs. Try to find it anywhere else in any of my blogs. Somebody get me a number to call or an email address so I can complain to the ESPN programmers that I am tired of all this NFL coverage. There is absolutely no reason for this, and it is ridiculous. The draft is two weeks away, and I'm already sick of football.

So help me God, if this continues after the draft is over, I'm going to find a way to stop it.

End Rant

ESPN is the Worldwide leader in sports, and I hate to bash them, but this is the worst programming I've ever seen. It's like being served hamburgers when you KNOW there's steak in the freezer. With the addition of Arena football, how much of one sport can this country take? This is too much if you ask me.

So let's get back to the NBA playoffs....

The playoffs start on Saturday. Predictions are in order. I'll break down each matchup, progress through the playoffs, and crown an NBA Champion. Why even bother watching the Playoffs? ESPN will spend 6 hours a night next week breaking down Round 6 of the NFL Draft. What will Oakland do with their precious 6th round pick? Let Mel Kiper analyze it for the next 30 minutes...

Let's get goin with the NBA Playoffs...

Eastern Conference: Round 1

(1)Detroit Pistons vs. (8)Orlando Magic

• Marquee Player:Chauncey Billups, Pistons
• Key Matchup:Chris Webber vs. Dwight Howard
• Difference Maker:Rip Hamilton, Pistons
• Coaching Edge:Detroit, Flip Saunders

The Detroit Pistons are the Mr. Cellophane of this year's NBA Season. They very quietly won 53 games in what is probably the worst Conference in the history of the league. This makes them a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs. Veteran Chris Webber decided he still liked playing basketball when he came to Detroit and has seemed his old self again. Matching him up down low with Dwight Howard is certainly a case of Youth vs. Experience. If every player in the NBA was thrown into a brawl and Shaq was the officiator, I would take Dwight Howard to win it all. Take notice of his physique during the series and tell me if he's not the most impressive physical specimen in the NBA.

The Pistons are too good for the Magic. They've been here before, they play good defense, and they make big shots. Howard is the only one on the floor that can impact a game, and at this point in his career he's no more than a role player on a real championship game.
Results:Pistons Sweep, 4-0

(2)Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (7)Washington Wizards

• Marquee Player:LeBron James
• Key Matchup:Mike Brown vs. Patrick J Dobson or Terrence Howard vs. Eddie Jordan
• Difference Maker:Ira Newble
• Coaching Edge:Washington, Eddie Jordan

Gilbert Arenas is out for the playoffs. Caron Butler is out for the playoffs. The Wizards were in free-fall coming in. There's not even any real reason to play these games. Can you sweep in 3 games? Can the other team just give up? Results:Cavs Sweep, 4-0

(3)Toronto Raptors vs. (6)New Jersey Nets

• Marquee Player:Vince Carter
• Key Matchup:Chris Bosh vs. Mikki Moore
• Difference Maker:Jason Kidd
• Coaching Edge:New Jersey, Lawrence Frank

The experts have this highlighted as the Upset Special for the first round of the NBA playoffs. This expert is not so certain. The Nets have all the leadership with playoff veteran Jason Kidd leading the way, but Vince Carter is the huge wild card in all of this.

He's never been a completely consistent player, and he's got to go back to Toronto and play in front of 20,000+ fans that hate his guts. A constant flow of boos will be rained down upon Vince Carter whenever he has the ball. That coupled with Chris Bosh waiting for him at the basket will be sure to keep Carter at the perimeter shooting jump shots. If those shots are falling (and in Toronto, they won't be), the Nets will be fine. New Jersey is fighting an uphill battle.

The only hope for the Nets is that Mikki Moore can score on Chris Bosh and keep him away from the basket. If a lane opens up and Carter can get to the rim, the entire face of the series changes. I don't see that happening. Vince Carter is going to shy away from this series like a white family from a Popeye's in Compton.
Results:Raptors Win, 4-2

(4)Miami Heat vs. (5)Chicago Bulls

• Marquee Player:5/8 of Dwayne Wade
• Key Matchup:Shaquille O'Neal vs. (Ben Wallace, PJ Brown, Tyrus Thomas)
• Difference Maker:Dwayn Wade's Left Shoulder, Shaq's Stamina
• Coaching Edge:Miami, Pat Riley

This is certainly the toughest call of the first round. For those that have been doing coke and mushrooms for the last 350 or so days, the Bulls and the Heat played in the first round of the playoffs last year. The Bulls stole two games from the Heat in Chicago, and it looked like the Shaq/Flash Co. might be in trouble for a second.

The Bulls added Ben Wallace to hopefully neutralize Shaq, and now everyone gets to see if that's the case. PJ Brown and Tyrus Thomas are no slouches, but they certainly don't match up with Shaq alone. However, they should be able to keep the pressure on him and keep his energy levels bone dry. The big man took on a lot of the work load when D-Wade went down with the left shoulder separation. I'm not convinced he has the energy to make another big playoff run.

The biggest question mark, however, is Dwayne Wade's left shoulder. If he goes down, the Heat lose. He knows this. Shaq knows this. Pat Riley knows this. Thus, Dwayne Wade will be playing scared the entire series. That is, if he's smart.

However, for those that actually watch the first 3 quarters of any Heat game featuring Wade, they know he doesn't really start to play until the 4th. Generally, he's in third or even second gear before the 4th quarter. If Shaq's tired, he's going to have to do a lot more than that, and that's not how this Heat team wins.

Too many question marks for the Heat against the currently much more stable Bulls who have home court advantage. The same home court advantage that supplied 6 NBA Championships. Don't think those people have forgotten how to be championship caliber fans.
Results:Bulls Win, 4-3

Western Conference: Round 1

(1)Dallas Mavericks vs. (8)Golden State Warriors

• Marquee Player:Dirk Nowitzki
• Key Matchup:Baron Davis vs. Jason Terry
• Difference Maker:Jerry Stackhouse
• Coaching Edge:Dallas, Avery Johnson

Baron Davis has been getting all kinds of love lately. And with good reason. The last two weeks of the season, he's been every bit as good as Steve Nash - giving the Warriors 18 pts, 7 assists, and 2.4 steals a game. You won't see Nash producing on both ends of the floor like that. Plus, the Warriors swept the season series this year, 3-0. They Warriors have the Mavs' number.

And they'll be beaten soundly.

Avery Johnson has had the Mavs playing at the top of their game all season long. They play defense, they run the floor, they work well in the half court, and they exploit mismatches. Whether it's Jason Terry, Jerry Stackhouse, or Josh Howard, someone is always coming up with the extra slack to help Dirk get it done. Perhaps the Mavs have been playing at their full potential, and they have nothing more to give in the playoffs - no extra oomph that will truly overrun teams - but that'll still be enough to decisively defeat the Warriors. After the Bay Area rejoices a Game 1 blow out, the Mavs will win the next 4.
Results:Mavs Win, 4-1

(2)Phoenix Suns vs. (8)Los Angeles Lakers

• Marquee Player:Kobe Bryant
• Key Matchup:Kobe Bryant vs. The Suns
• Difference Maker:Kobe Bryant
• Coaching Edge:Phoenix, Mike D'Antoni (Unless Phil Jackson escapes out of the mountains and kills that robot that's been on the sideline for him all year)

This series is very simple. Kobe scores 50 points a game, or the Lakers lose. With Raja Bell, Shawn Marion, and Amare Stoudamire playing defense for the Suns, the Eagle County Casanova is going to have his hands full. However, I give the Lakers a better shot of winning then they had last year. There was a better team around The Mamba last year, granted, but I think that's actually worse for the Lakers. Kobe needs to be the man going out there every night. He needs to feel like he has to score 50, or the Lakers are going to lose.

In 1965, Jerry West set the record for scoring in a Playoff series by scoring 46.3 ppg agains the Baltimore Bullets. In 1988 and 1992, Michael Jordan went over 45 ppg agains the Cleveland Cavaliers and Miami Heat respectively. If the Lakers are going to win this series, Kobe is going to have to overcome both of those performances. If he does that, all of the hotel clerks in the world won't be able to blind us from who the best player in the NBA really is.

But he won't.
Results:Suns Win, 4-1

(One more thing - mostly in 1965, but certainly in the late 80's and early 90's, there were far fewer rules governing defenses. We should have seen a 50 ppg series by now, right? The Logo scored all his points WITHOUT the 3 point line! And I haven't seen a single 60 point game from Kobe yet? It's got to happen this series, or we'll never see it.)

(3)San Antonio Spurs vs. (6)Denver Nuggets

• Marquee Player:Carmelo Anthony
• Key Matchup:Allen Iverson vs. Tony Parker
• Difference Maker:Tim Duncan
• Coaching Edge:San Antonio, Gregg Popovich

Outside of the prospect of The Mamba trying to break 60, this has got to be the most intriguing series of the first round. Look at all the star power involved in this series - Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginoboli. The only playoff series in my life time that compare to this were those in the early 90s that featured Jordan. I remember being very excited for Jordan-Pippen-Grant vs. Price-Daugherty-Nance. Yes, I had a litte bit more riding on that series because it was the Cavs and because I was still thinking about this....

But from a purely objective standpoint, looking just at the players involved, this is the most exciting first round series I've seen in years. And the matchup is really quite simple. San Antonio went 1-10 this season when their opponent scored at least 100 points. If AI and 'Melo find a way to get into triple digits against the Spurs at least twice this series, I believe they can take it. The only problem with this is that George Karl has yet to show he can get those two playing well together consistently. I mean, Iverson was traded to Denver in December, and that was huge! How much have you heard about it since then? Almost nada.

Iverson has to feel his Championshp Hour Glass is running short on sand. He'll help propel the Nuggets to 2 wins, but this Spurs team is just too good.
Results:Spurs win, 4-2

(4)Utah Jazz vs. (5)Houston Rockets

• Marquee Player:Tracy McGrady
• Key Matchup:Yao Ming vs. Carlos Boozer
• Difference Maker:Deron Williams
• Coaching Edge:Utah, Jerry Sloan

I hate Carlos Boozer. results:Rockets win, 4-1

Eastern Conference: Round 2

Cavs over Raptors in 5

LeBron too good for Raps.

Pistons over Bulls in 7

Experience beats youth for the last time.

Western Conference: Round 2

Spurs over Suns in 7

Defense contains an exhausted Steve Nash.

Mav over Rockets in 7

Tmac plays insane, but can't overcome Dirk and Co.

Eastern Conference Finals

Cavs over Pistons in 6

Lebron gets revenge over Pistons running on fumes from Bulls Series.

Spurs over Mavs in 7

Epic series that has Spurs shifting into 5th gear and Dallas completely out of steam.

I hate to be a homer, but I'm not going back on my analysis from February. It was correct then, and it's correct now. I promise you I would not be picking this way if the seeding had been any different.

NBA Finals

Cavs over Spurs in 7

LeBron gets his first ring. The Spurs play out of their minds just to get out of the West, and they end up completely gassed for the Finals. The Cavs have the softer side of the East to waltz through, and they look fresh as daisies coming into the Finals. Sasha Pavolvic and Anderson Varejao establish themselves as Knights in the King's Court. LeBron, playing on fresh legs because he stood around for half the season, goes for 35 a game. The Cavs beat the Spurs 7 times in one season.

Tschüs!

P.S. If Cleveland doesn't get the #2 seed, they lose to Miami in the first round and the Bulls hoist the trophy for the 7th time.

Though there wasn't much to dialogue about, I decided to do a running dialogue of Game 2. This was actually a terrible game, despite the uplifting final score.

Let's go to Patrick, Dobson, and J for the run down!

---

Patrick: Ahhh, the NBA finals. And what better way to celebrate than a running dialogue of Game 2?

Dobson: How about a running dialogue of game 1? You said you were going to write "mini entries". When are these showing up?

Patrick: Hey, I got kind of swept up in the moment. And I had to catch up on my Sopranos this weekend, so give me a break.

J: Sopranos! Sopranos! Sopranos!

Dobson: Ah yes, the finale. Tony's going to die, you know. But isn't the finale playing the same time as the game?

Patrick: Yes, quite the predicament. Luckily, I have the answer: Replays. HBO constantly replays their original series, and as chance would have it, there's a replay of the season finale tonight at 1am. So i'll be staying up for that.

J: Tony! No!!

Dobson: But what about this game? We have Mike Wilbon, Dan Patrick, and Co. giving us the pregame at this point.

Patrick: This game is a must-win for the Spurs.

J: Timmy!

Dobson: J raises a good point. Why do the Spurs need to win this game?

Patrick: Because it's at home, duh. The Cavs handled Detroit, and the Pistons won the first two games of the series at home. San Antonio has to win tonight, the Cavs do not.

Dobson: Right, the next three games are in Cleveland. San Antonio doesn't need to put themselves in the pressure situation of knowing they MUST win on the road in this series. Especially with 3 straight in Cleveland.

J: ALBA!

Patrick: Fantastic Four commercial.

Dobson: Going to see it?

Patrick: Pfft, no. You see the Wikipedia on the Silver Surfer? The guy can't be beat! They're going to have to appeal to his....*sigh*...emotion.

Dobson: Yeah, that's pretty lame. Hollywood really needs a super hero with chutzpah.

Patrick: Yeah, modern day heros in movies like Tobey's Spider-Man and Vincent Chase's Aquaman just don't have the guilliones of Sly and Arnold's heros of yesteryear.

Dobson: Hey look, it's Tony Parker. There's a speedy super hero for you.

Patrick: Overrated! Overrated! Overrated!

Dobson: You can't be serious.

J: Eva Eva Eva Eva!

They look at J.

Patrick: Tony Parker is so overrated. I don't care how fast he is, the larger Larry Hughes has a much worse foot injury than originally thought. He didn't have a problem against Detroit because he didn't have to use his speed. Parker, as seen from his performances against the Cavs earlier, is a non-factor if Hughes is healthy.

Dobson: I don't by it. You're full of crap.

J: Poo-poo!

Patrick: Yeah, you're probably right.

Dobson: Look at that family sitting down to watch the Heat play. They seem kind of excited. This was obviously filmed before they found out that Alonzo Mourning and Shaquille O'Neal were running on body parts stolen from Cuban immigrants.

Patrick: I hope we get some decent commercials. This is the finals!

Dobson: American Inventor. What do you think?

Patrick: Destined for failure. How are Americans supposed to judge this? American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, we think we know when something is good. But what about inventions? These are going to have to be the most low-brow inventions ever: The ass-wiping robot or exploding mime food. I mean, where is the love for the guy that makes a better transmission?

Dobson: Yeah, that series is going to be lametown.

Patrick: Predictions are up. Everyone takes the Spurs. Big suprise.

Dobson: Well who wins this game?

Patrick: I'll say the Spurs.

Dobson: Really?

Patrick: Yes. That Tim Duncan is a monster. Not to mention a dream boat.

Dobson: I'm taking the Cavs.

Patrick: Well I'll be happy to take you up on that. Care to make it interesting?

Dobson: Yes, If I win, you have to wash J.

They look at J.

J: Tubby Time!

Patrick: Done.

Dobson: National Anthem by Leann Rimes.

Patrick: I am enjoying that black dress.

Dobson: Is she from Texas?

Patrick: Jackson, Mississippi.

Dobson: Nice call, IMDB?

Patrick: Wikipedia.

Dobson: Look, it's Greg Popovich.

Patrick: He's got all the enthusiasm of a can of albacore Tuna.

J: ALBA!!-core.

Dobson: Right. You'd think the best coach in the NBA would be excited about his job. He looks like you on the train to work every morning.

Patrick: Burn.

Dobson: I thought so.

Patrick: Player announcements. Undertaker theme music? Wow...

Dobson: That's just mean. You gotta know that the folks at the Q will respond in kind.

Patrick: Agreed. This is going to be an excellent running story line throughout the series.

Dobson: The Spurs music, though, sounds like something out of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Can you tell me what that is?

Patrick: Sorry, it must have not been a very good movie. Look, they followed it up with a Jock-Jam.

Dobson: Oh, right. I've never heard this song at a sporting event. I feel like it's 1991, only neither of these teams is as interesting as those Chicago Bulls.

Patrick: You were 6 years old and more worried about SNES and Disney World. Don't even act like you knew about the NBA Finals.

Dobson: I have ESPN classic and a DVD player, don't act like this isn't the 21st century.

Patrick: Ooo, inspiring entry animation! NBA players are playing in the streets. Does any of this really mean anything to you?

Dobson: Like I said, it's really just a Saturday afternoon with ESPN Classic to me.

Patrick: Yeah, it could have been heartwarming for an Audience over 45. I wonder what that's like.

Dobson: 9AM, it's game time. Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, and Mike Breen. Exciting group?

Patrick: Oh, the most exciting. I know that listening to Jeff Van Gundy always gets me amped up. Just look at what it did for the Rockets!

Dobson: Nice.

Patrick: As always.

J:You're better than that!

Dobson: A Mark Jackson reference from J. His suit is a bit plain though.

Patrick: Agreed. If you're the token black man on an announcer panel, you should be wearing something with contrasting pin stripes at least. Hey look! Men's Warehouse commercial, right on time!

Dobson: Yeah, but Mark Jackson isn't going to be able to get a plaid suit or something in magenta at Men's Warehouse. By the way, isn't this topic of conversation mildly racist?

Patrick: Probably, but I'm strangely comfortable with it. I'm fairly certain we can't be fired.

J: This is why I rock!

Dobson: J brings up another good point. Why would they change the lyrics to that song for a Zune commercial?

Patrick: Chuckles is probably rolling in his grave.

J gasps.

Patrick: ...if he were dead.

J is noticeably relieved.

Dobson: Ok, here's the tip...

Patrick: Duncan out jumps Z again. Nothing new there.

Dobson: Aye, we probably won't win a single tip in this series.

Patrick: Lebron puts back a Larry Hughes jumper.

Dobson: And Tony Parker answers. Lebron is going to have to be that agressive down low. A missed hook by Ilgauskus.

Patrick: That never happens.

Dobson: Yeah, you never know what you'll see in the NBA Finals. Larry Hughes missing jumpers, Big Z missing hooks, and Tim Duncan dominating down low early. Go figure.

Patrick: Lebron draws the foul on Duncan. Gotta like the early aggression.

Dobson: Absolutely. Think he'll have enough for the whole game?

Patrick: Yeah, but if he can't make free-throws, it won't matter.

Dobson: Ouch, missed them both. His teamates are going to have to make shots too.

Patrick: And not let Oberto have easy layups.

Dobson: Van Gundy and Mark Jackson just insulted the entire city of San Antonio. I guess they haven't discovered the joys of peeing on the Alamo.

Patrick: Harsh.

Dobson: Lebron gets his second foul. He's coming out.

Patrick: So much for being agressive. This game may already be over.

Dobson: Here's Boobie.

Patrick: That may be the best thing that happens in this series. Let's see if Boobie can make a few baskets and show Mike Brown what is already painfully obvious to everyone.

Dobson: An and-1 for Tony Parker after he drove on Drew Gooden. Go figure there.

Patrick: Yeah, I woke up this morning saying to myself that I hope Drew Gooden guards Tony Parker as much as possible.

Dobson: A floater from Finley. Spurs 14. Cavs 6. Maybe I should go get my soap. The Cavs look lost right now. This isn't even really basketball.

Patrick: Yeah, sometimes things happen that bleed you of all your hope. Tony Parker playing showtime basketball in the first quarter after doing the same thing last thursday is one of those things.

Dobson: Lebron James on the bench with 8 minutes left in the first quarter is another.

Patrick: Did I ever tell you I hate Mike Brown?

Dobson: About 12 times before breakfast this morning.

Patrick: Oh, well I hate Mike Brown. I just want to make sure you know.

Dobson: I don't know about this Shaq's Big Challenge business. We should have some kind of boot camp for parents that kill their children by feeding them bacon fat and brownie milkshakes for 3 meals a day.

Patrick: That would be excellent! Maybe James Gandolfini can run it! I know Tony Soprano would be an excellent candidate to run a fat camp for parents.

Dobson: Eric Snow is running the offense. This is good when you're down 8, right?

Patrick: Yeah, especially when you've already got like 57 turn overs. Is that a record for the first quarter?

Dobson: I believe it is.

Patrick: Lebron James is still on that bench. Gotta love this strategy by Brown. I mean, it's not like he's the smartest player on the team or anything. Why would you trust him to stay out of foul trouble?

Dobson: Maybe it's a bait and switch. The Cavs were 3-1 w/o Lebron this year.

Patrick: That's true. In fact, we should do this with everything. Let's change Surf+Turf from steak and lobster to haggis and whale penis while we're at it.

Dobson: Dork.

Patrick: Oh good, name calling.

Dobson: No, that's what a whale's penis is called. A dork.

Patrick: Oh. Weird.

Dobson: Daniel Gibson hits a three. 13-16 Spurs.

Patrick: Go figure. Maybe they should play this guy more often?

Dobson: I think we already pointed out that would make too much sense.

Patrick: This Coors commercial with the grizzled dad giving him a beer like it was a condom is excellent. We get the gimmicky, yet crappy taste of Coors and also a look at an extremely colorful performance in a beer commercial. A rare combo.

J: Sopranos!

Dobson: The Sopranos are halfway through at this point. Think Tony is still alive?

Patrick: Tough to say. Would they kill him this early so that there'd be enough falling action to wrap up the series, or do they kill him at the end? A difficult decision to be sure.

Dobson: Hey! it's the Q!!

Patrick: 3D HD!!! I so wish I was there.

Dobson: This is just wrong. Why would they tease us like this? As if watching games 3, 4, and (hopefully) 5 wasn't going to be punishment enough.

Patrick: Yeah, we're in the city that never sleeps, but we'd much rather be at the mistake by the lake.

Dobson: Indeed. Seems like Lebron's going to be out for the entire first.

Patrick: Yeah, have I said that I hate Mike Brown yet?

Dobson: That's twice now.

Patrick: Ginobli hits a three and Marshall misses a 3 followed by a gorgeous dime from Barry. Cavaliers basketball everyone!

Dobson: Yeah, the crew mentions that Manu, Tony, and Timmy had 67 of the Spurs 85 points in game 1. You'd think that Mike Brown would make some adjustments.

Patrick: In all fairness, Greg Popovich did teach him everything he knows.

Dobson: Wow, that was gracious.

Patrick: Yes, and I hate mike Brown. That's number 3.

Dobson: Yes it is. Barry cashes a three as the Spurs go up 15 in the first quarter. Maybe it's time for Lebron to come back in?

Patrick: Nah. I say rest him up for game 3 at this point. Let's go for a blowout record loss.

Dobson: Yeah, if they lose by 40 or 50, this team will go down in history!

Patrick: Mike Brown really raises the bar. Gotta love him.

Dobson: Do you?

Patrick: No. I hate Mike Brown.

Dobson: That makes 4.

Patrick: A flop and a foul for Andy Varejao. Van Gundy thinks it's the hair.

Dobson: I agree. The hair is a total foul.

Patrick: Oh, someone's being a bitch.

Dobson: I'm sorry, it's that time of the month for me.

Patrick: Bowen, Duncan, and Parker are on the bench. It's nice to know that the Spurs are able to rest up as well.

Dobson: And extend the lead to boot!

Patrick: Cavaliers Championship basketball.

Dobson: That's the end of the quarter. Spurs 28. Cavs 17.

Patrick: It was close there for a while when it was 13-16.

Dobson: Yeah, but then the Spurs woke up and decided they'd score 12 of the next 16 points. That's with most of their starters on the bench.

Patrick: Ok. I'm taking a break.

J: Tony!!!

Dobson: I'd like to see what's going on with the family too, but we have to be patient.

Patrick: Lebron starts the quarter by missing two jumpers.

Dobson: And Duncan starts it by making two easy buckets. It's so strange how benching your best players can be a terrible move for one coach and a genius one for another.

Patrick: Right. But I'm not certain I'd call Pop a genius just yet. I mean, sitting your best player while the other team is foolishly sitting theirs? It's not rocket science here.

Dobson: Ginobli hits another 3. Spurs by 17.

Patrick: I'm beginning to think the Sopranos was the right call.

Dobson: I agree. Tony could be dead already, and we may have missed it.

Patrick: Marshall misses a three after a Spurs switch again forces James to pass. Should it be this hard to get around Oberto? I mean, can the San Antonio defense be this good?

Dobson: I'm starting to regret our bet.

Patrick: And it seems like J has gotten into a bag of onions!

J: Weeeeee! Stinky!

Dobson: Bloody hell! I knew you were up to no good when you left for that break.

Patrick: Heh. Let's make another bet then, maybe we can give you a chance to win something tonight. How many points do the Cavs score?

Dobson: 35.

Patrick: Ok, I'm going to say 75, just to give you a chance.

Dobson: Price is Right rules?

Patrick: Is there a different set I don't know about?

Dobson: Mike Breen asks Van Gundy and Jackson how the Cavs get back into the game.

Patrick: Silence.

Dobson: Yeah, I've never seen such a lack of hope midway through the 2nd quarter in an NBA finals on the part of the announcers.

Patrick: Well, Lebron just aired a foul shot.

Dobson: Hooray for Cleveland Sports.

Patrick: Yes, hooray indeed.

Dobson: A pretty dunk from Lebron. The start of a Cavs run?

Patrick: Absolutely. But the real hero here is Mike Brown. If he can just have a sudden fatal heart attack, we can get back into this thing.

Dobson: Well, I don't think it would have to be fatal, just a heart attack would put him out of commission.

Patrick: Yeah, well, I hate Mike Brown.

Dobson: Ladies and Gentleman, Patrick has put up a 5 spot.

Patrick: I knew I could do it.

Dobson: Boobie hits a long 2. Cavs are within 14.

Patrick: I'd be happy if they could get it within 10 by halftime. The Spurs look like they're getting complacent.

Dobson: That's what did in the Pistons.

Patrick: Yes, maybe this has been Mike Brown's plan all along. Suck as hard as you can until you bore your opponent to a lower talent level. Then, when they've given up on focusing because they're too disgusted to play well, start playing good basketball. It's really quite brilliant.

Dobson: Brilliant huh?

Patrick: Brilliant and terrible. I hate Mike Brown.

Dobson: That makes the double hat trick.

Patrick: Varejao missed two free throws and somehow that brought the crowd back into it. I've never seen a fanbase cheer so exhuberantly for the sucky play of the other team.

Dobson: Cripes, Tony Parker. Right now, he's shooting to join John Elway, Gary Sheffield, and Michael Jordan in the pantheon of athletes that have ripped Cleveland's heart out.

Patrick: Here's the Amex commercial with Scorcese. He's a much better actor than he is a speech giver.

Dobson: Yeah, you think after all those losses he'd be pretty good at writing an acceptance speech.

Patrick: Well played, sir.

Dobson: I think Mark Jackson just achieved an erection to the play of Tony Parker.

Patrick: Mark Jackson makes a Sesame Street reference and Mike Breen thinks it's the first in NBA history. Agreed?

Dobson: Not at all. The Street and the Finals have been simultaneously around too long for that to be a possiblity.

Patrick: Agreed. Duncan easily scores over Z. He's got 14.

Dobson: Yeah, there's really no reason to watch this anymore.

Patrick: Down by 22? I'm telling you, it could be historic. We should keep watching in case that deficit balloons to 40 or 50.

Dobson: Ok, if it looks like things are going to change in the 3rd quarter, we'll keep watching. Otherwise, let's go get some chow.

Patrick: Good call.

Dobson: Varejao fouls Tim Duncan. He makes one. Spurs by 25. Would you say this is typical of Cleveland sports?

Patrick: Shying away from a championship game like a dog from a chinese neighborhood? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Dobson: If you had to guess, how many points would Lebron have to score total in order for the Cavs to win this game.

Patrick: Well, since none of the other Cavs showed up for this game defensively or offensively, I'm going to say 225.

Dobson: Well that would be more than any one team has ever scored.

Patrick: Yeah, but I really have faith in the Spurs at this point.

Dobson: Robert Horry is having a career night. They're really pouring on the salt now.

Patrick: Remember to take plastic bags, lengths of rope, sharp objects, and abrasive chemicals out of my room before I go to bed tonight.

Dobson: Already done. I also took away your TV, you should probably avoid ESPN for a year or so.

Patrick: Yeah.

Dobson: Horry is irrate for not getting fouled after a botched 3 pointer. They're only up by 25, I can understand his anger. I mean, it's only the end of the half!

Patrick: 25 points at the half. Tony Parker reminds us that the Cavs are still and NBA team. Thanks Tony, I had forgotten myself.

Dobson: Oh wait, are these the Cavs? I thought we were watching the Browns try to beat the Spurs.

Patrick: Fast Cars and Superstars. Think it'll be worth watching?

Dobson: Absolutely. Hopefully someone will get into a massive accident. I'm voting for David Blaine.

Patrick: Yes, and with that witticism, we're taking a break. Time to get some food.

J gets up. Changes the channel to HBO, sees that the Sopranos is already over, and starts to cry. He wets himself and runs out of the room.

Patrick: I'm issuing a boycott to all readers (both of you). The McDonald's off of Water St. in lower Manhattan has the worst service in the world. Avoid it at all costs.

Dobson: Yeah, there's really no excuse for that. One barbecue sauce for 10 Chicken McNuggets? That's the worst policy since no touching the stripper.

Patrick: Indeed!

Dobson: What's going on with the game?

Patrick: 4th quarter. The Cavs are down by 29. That's not too bad, actually, considering they were down by 25 at the half. I guess we've been robbed of history.

Dobson: Yes, no history will be made tonight, but maybe Lebron can dunk a basketball with Manu Ginobli riding on his back. He was close midway through the 3rd.

Patrick: Yep. I'm being told the Cavs went on a 7 point run in the 3rd. They'll need to focus on that brightspot if they don't want their heads to explode in the film room this week.

Dobson: Sooo, are we done yet?

Patrick: Yeah, we're done. You go wash J, I'm going to get drunk.

They leave.

Dobson: Oh, cripes, J! You smell like urine!

---

Not the best example of Cleveland Sports greatness, but at least they cut down the lead at the end! I'm telling you, complacency could be Cleveland's best friend!

Tschüs!