Cinematic Schizophrenic

For the avid baseball fan or those who think basketball seasons don't really matter until tournament/playoff time, there's not a lot of opportunities for competitive entertainment between October and March. The NFL is only once a week and the coverage is awful because of how they structure their TV contracts. Where I go to school, I generally have to watch two of the worst games every week. College football is better, but again, it doesn't really get you through the week.

So what is one to do?

During those long winter months when trips outside become fewer and less thrilling, I like to go to the movies. More specifically, I like to go to Oscar-caliber movies.

Getting into the Oscar race every year is an excellent hobby to fill the gaps between the last and first pitches of Major League Baseball - something I have to do because small ball is like crack to me.

But every year I notice a few things about the Oscar race that seem to get overlooked. The reason I believe that little 13.5 inch statuette is the most coveted in all of filmdom is the integrity. Film Festival awards are like high school student body elections - they're glorified popularity contests that serve no other purpose than building a resume. Critics association awards are snobbish "Let's get together and agree with each other" awards where Those Who Can't Do award the best social commentary or boring art house flick. The Golden Globes is the illegitimate son of the Emmys and the Oscars - it wants to please both parents, but it will never be loved like one of the pure breeds.

The Academy Awards are different because every year they nominate several movies that went relatively ignored up until that point. Yes, you'll see a lot of the same flicks on their ballot that you did from previous awards, but that is as it should be. The point here is that the Academy awards all of the movies from a given year, not just the ones that meet a preset standard of social or artistic importance.

So I watch the Oscars like I watch the Super Bowl. It's the best of the best coming together (usually dressed in a very attractive manner) to award excellence.

But even the Oscars don't cover everything. So I'm going to run down a few things I think they're missing this year and from the past as well.

Best Supporting Actor
This year, the best supporting actor nominees go like this:

• Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)


• Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children” (New Line)


• Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond” (Warner Bros.)


• Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls” (DreamWorks and Paramount)


• Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed” (Warner Bros.)

This list has actors like Eddie Murphy and Mark Wahlberg that were on everybody's list and nominations like Djimon Hunsou that were snubbed at other events like the Golden Globes. But there is one name that was left off of everyone's list: Bill Nighy. The co-star for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest gave an absolutely phenomenal performance. Watch that movie and tell me you're not hanging on every word and movement that the man delivers. In exactly the same fashion as Andy Serkis for both The Lord of the Rings series and King Kong, Bill Nighy was snubbed because some of his mannerisms were digitally produced. But any actor will tell you it's no less difficult (and probably moreso) to stand there in motion-capture equipment and stay in character while you're surrouned by a bunch of pirates or orcs or whathaveyou. There is no reason to deny actors their proper merits in the digital age because modern makeup and costuming fail to deliver the effects that film makers desire to achieve. Bill Nighy should have been noticed somewhere important this year, and it's a terrible shame that he got overlooked.

(By the way, there should be a website that pronounces celebrities' names for you. I'm fairly certain Nighy is nigh-EE, but I can't tell you how many people thought I was talking about The Science Guy. And anyone who can locate the pronunciation of Djimon Hounsou will get a cookie from me.)

I feel that Geoffrey Rush was snubbed in the same manner when the original Pirates came out. But he was perhaps overshadowed by Johnny Depp's performance, which no one could deny. I do agree that Depp didn't deserve the nomination this year for the same reason I believe Sasha Baron Cohen didn't deserve a nomination for Borat: you should never recieve an award for a role where you had previously developed the character. The true creativity of Borat and Jack Sparrow was developed well before the research phase of either picture. Awards should not be given for reprisals because most of the work going into creating the character had been previously completed.

Best Choreography
Maybe this is an award best left to the Tonys, but I think a best choreography award is sorely missing from the Oscars. From an extensive 5 minute search on Google, I can't find any evidence that such an award ever existed, but I thought perhaps there just aren't enough Fred Astaires or Vera-Ellens anymore. However, I would retort that Choreography has been extended to a much wider realm. Complex action scenes, fight scenes, love scenes, and athletic sequences all require a lot more preparation than just the director's blocking notes these days. Besides, why should we be forever robbed of this:

I think the lure of a Best Cinematography Oscar would certainly inspire more of that.

Besides, a good sports sequence or sword fight should be rewarded as well. That stuff takes a lot of work and is a staple of movies and movie magic. Plus, think of how much more entertaining the Academy Awards would be! If they redid kung fu battles and dance numbers on stage like they do with best song, ratings would soar! You can't tell me you wouldn't want to watch.

(Another aside, I also think some actors, actresses, and directors should be miked up for the ceremony like they do at sporting events. This would be especially useful at the Golden Globes where alcohol is involved. I don't think anyone would want to miss the drunken conversations:

Jack Nicholson: I can't believe they drag me to this crap every year. I just want to go to the Lakers game. I only wear these sunglasses so I can go to sleep while Merryl Streep is up there yammering about whatever the hell... I hate the Grammys...

Merryl Streep: Can I have my award and go home? I have piles of money to sleep in.

Clint Eastwood: Shut up Merryl, I'm old enough where I'm still allowed to hit you in public. I'd shoot you in the face right now, but they don't let me do whatever I want anymore like the 50's.

Leonardo DiCaprio: I had sex with Lindsey Lohan!

Jack Nicholson: Join the club you painted up fairy. I did cocaine, banged Raquel Welch, drank a whole bottle of vodka, then woke up the next day and shot One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and won an Oscar. You go back to the kiddy table with Josh Hartnett. Shit, I miss Sinatra...

Yeah, all of this is probably from a day we will never see.)

Best Picture Grossing over $100 Million
This is really a category that's needed to reconnect America with the Oscars. If the movie makes more than 100 very large, then enough people have seen it to care if it won. Lots of people watching the Oscars means lots of people watching other awards like Art Direction, Cinematography, Director, and Original Score which means lots of people learning about movies and appreciating the art house pictures that don't get the love that they should. (And yes, I did bash and praise the art house in the same article. I love these movies, but they certainly aren't the end all-be all of film making).

This year's 100 Million category would look like this:

• Pirates of The Caribbean: The Dead Man's Chest
• Cars
• The Pursuit of Happyness
• The Departed
• Casino Royale
• The Devil Wears Prada
• The Da Vinci Code

I'm betting that you can find a flick on that list you would root for if it was up for an award.

I mean, what other choice do we have? Watch the Peoples' Choice Awards?

Ha!

Tschüs!