In this, the Year of Our Lord: Two Thousand and Seven, a new Speaker of the United States House of Representatives took office. And he is a man of no fair ilk. Nancy Pelosi is a man of gusto. A man of resolve. A man with a dream for our country!
Not since Linn Boyd (1853-1855) and maybe Galusha A. Grow (1861-1863) has a Speaker been brave enough to stand up and say, "Yes, I have a Unisex Name! But I also have a grand vision for our country!"
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| Linn, like Pelosi, was a bastion of masculinity. |
And that vision is clear. In these days where death is lurking around every corner, and polio, lupus, and the tuberculosis will take all of your loved ones away in one foul swoop, what we truly need in this country is The Big E: Everlasting Life. Currently, The Big E is reserved only for celebrities and the super rich. Yes, the cold dark world at the top requires easy-to-access immortality. Coke parties and ventures into plague infested 3rd world countries to adopt starving, diseased, refugee children while carrying the child of a fellow celebrity/super wealthy require a backup plan in case conventional medicine should fail.
And though the wealthy right seeks to keep you from having The Big E for yourself, Nancy Pelosi wants to change that. The late, great Christopher Reeve demonstrates:
But as age or a freak equestrian accidents set in, celebrity can wane, and rights to immortality are stripped. Thus, we should join our famous, more educated, high culture brothers and demand that we be given the opportunity to suck the cells from the spinal lining of under-developed psuedo-humans that aren't quite up to par in the "right to live" department.
But don't believe that Our Man Nancy is stopping just at eternal life. Another major initiative Pelosi is fearlessly pushing us toward in the first 100 hours of congress is a hike in the federal minimum wage.
Yes, Nancy has flied in the face of the conservatives in this country that say the federal minimum wage should be made obsolete. Isn't Federalism, in fact, obsolete? The idea that our vastly changing nation can keep strong and remain united without a domineering, federal overlord is absurd!
Different minimum wages for different states just because they have different economies? Ludicrous! What's next? Different speed limits for different geographies? Different courts for different counties? Ha! So long as we have a gent like Pelosi in power, we'll never have to worry about complexities like these.
Yes, Nancy Pelosi is a forward thinking man of the future. He's got the will and the know-how to take this country to a new tomorrow. He's exactly what this country needs - a man who can take control and stop those conservative fat cats in their tracks!
Maybe his progressive thinking will even pave the way for a qualified woman to take his seat some day.
Oops, did I put those emp tags one word too early?
Silly me.
Tschüs!