Boob Tube Bondsman

It happens all the time. Every fall and spring, the major networks roll out their new offerings to the awaiting public. We watch the trailers during sporting events and MOWs and we think, "Ooooo, that might be good" or "Meh, looks like a cheese fest" or "Damn reality TV and damn the horse it rode in on!".

Some shows we watch, and some we don't watch. Inevitably, the better number of these new shows get cancelled and cancelled quickly. Maybe the show was poorly marketed, or maybe it didn't have a favorable timeslot, or maybe it just plain sucked. Whatever the case, it comes with the territory that something I enjoy will get cancelled.

Thusly, I am taking the opportunity here today to chronicle the shows that I found favor with before they were cancelled. Most of them weren't very good, but they satisfied some of my baser TV needs. But before I get to that, some rules:

• No show that ran a thorough lifespan may be on this list. Shows like Seinfeld or Frasier don't belong here. There's not necessarily a cut off point, but a show that retired to stud and a show sent off to the glue factory are two very different things.
• No shows from networks that shouldn't be on the air: MTV, ABC Family, UPN, the WB. If your network shouldn't be on the air, you never should have been made.
• Shows on HBO don't count either. They'll run good programs regardless of how bad the ratings are for years. The only reason an HBO show gets canned is because it sucks.
• No show from Comedy Central. They've had two great shows in their history (South Park, Chappelle's Show), one good show (The Daily Show), and a few good syndicated programs. They also employ Carlos Mencia. This is never a good thing.

Ok, let's get to the list.

• Fastlane
  This one here comes from the boys at Fox. For nearly an entire season, I was in front of my TV every week. At the time, I was a junior in high school. I was just begining to learn what I liked in my entertainment, but I knew that I liked car chases, explosions, and boobs. That's pretty much all this show was - and I was thrilled. It was like watching a bad action movie for 30 minutes every week. Tiffani Thiessen was trying to prove that she was still hot and still relevant long after her heyday on Saved By the Bell (She succeeded in one of these tasks). The show revolved around a "specialized" under cover police force with an unlimited budget and 21st Century attempts at Crocket and Tubbs in Peter Facinelli and Bill Bellamy. The show reached it's pinnacle (and most desperate attempt to stay on the air) when Thiessen's character dons a bikini and seduces Jaime Pressly in a hot tub. Read the IMDB summary. This show was far too ridiculous, sexy, and action packed for adolescent teens not to watch. I'll never understand why it didn't get higher ratings.
• Undeclared
  Undeclared is one of those little gems that no one seems to know about. It revolved around a group of freshmen in a co-ed dormitory trying to remake their lives into something better than it was in high school (Does any of this sound familiar?). The nerd loses his virginity his first night in college, the big, loveable Canadian (played by the even more likeable Seth Rogen) gets laughs in every scene, and the snobbish Brit is a snobbish Brit. And you may notice Monica Keena, most recently of Entourage fame, is up to her usual bitchy exploits. This show captured the college essence, and I wasn't even in college at the time. I found it to be another Fox foul-up that it got taken off the air after a measly 16 episodes. You've got to feel bad for Rogen, he looks like he aged about 15 years between this and The 40 Year Old Virgin. This is a man who is funnier than what his career has become. As for Undeclared, well, maybe you can catch it on DVD.
  
• Firefly
  Ask any nerd what the best cancelled show was in the last 10 years, and Firefly is the inevitable answer. This nerd tends to agree. Joss Whedon has one of those excellent creative minds that just hasn't been put to proper use. The show was your typical, 26th century, sci-fi-western (I'm sure you watch one every week). The concept is an oddity at best, but the execution is flawless. Mankind reverts back to western pioneer tactics in order trailblaze the stars to far-off planets. It's not a completely unthinkable scenario. The backdrop of civil war and interstellar totalitarianism has a Star Wars feel at first glance, but when the savage "Reapers" are added to the equation, you can't help but feel you're playing cowboys and indians in the new-old West. Nathan Fillon leads the crew as Captain Malcom Reynolds (or Mal) and ship engineer Jewel Staite (playing Kaylee) has got one of those faces you were sure you recognized from Nickelodeon as a child (maybe Hey Dude or Salute Your Shorts? Speaking of Hey Dude...

  I had to do it. That definitely belongs in the Nostalgia Hall of Hame. Back to Firefly). This show had so many amazing details: pioneer speak mixed with mandarin curse words, a strange new term for "God" in "Gor" (tip toeing those censors has never been so easy!), wit, humor, action, and plain old fun. I could write a whole blog on Firefly, but I'm just going to recommend you watch it. It had another two seasons left in it at least.



• Sports Night
  Here's a show that probably would have been better suited for HBO. It just never found its niche, and it was probably a little ahead of it's time. For someone who's been watching Sportscenter since infancy, there were few shows more intriguing to me during the late 90s than Sports Night. The show records the back stage problems and every day lives of running a daily sports highlight show. A not-quite-famous-yet Felicity Huffman empowers a cast including Josh Charles, Peter Krause, and the always delightful Robert Guillaume as the head of the network. The show was dramatic and subtly hilarious. There wast he ever-looming possibility that the "4th highest rated sports highlight show" could be cancelled at any moment, and the co-anchors of the show constantly crack wise at one another (Imagine what Scott Van Pelt and John Anderson are like off camera!). If they released it today, it may still be before it's time. Late in it's short life, the producers thought it wise to add a laugh-track to this program. Have a taste of the original:

  What a terrible waste. I should probably stop talking about it now, I'm getting misty.



• Playmakers
  Playmakers is an example of a cancellation by the Powers that Be. I don't recall ever reading that it got poor ratings, but if ESPN wanted to pick up licensing rights with the NFL, Playmakers and its edgy, real account of professional football had to go. Outside of doing cocaine, impregnating random strippers, and spousal abuse, Playmakers mostly depended on the drama in the running back contreversy. Veteran running back Leon Taylor (played by Russel Hornsby) is often at ends with young stud and coke head Demetrius Harris (played by the strangely placed Omar Gooding. Wild & Crazy Kids anyone?). The show was intriguing, and I watched it in the comfort of my bed every monday. I believe it helped usher in a new era of TV drama. It was right there with 24 and CSI in their early days. Had this show been about anything but the most powerful athletic organization on the earth, it might have really done something for ESPN's Original Entertainment department.

Ah, sweet television, why must you be so fickle a mistress!

I was thinking of adding Tilt to the list, but the entry would be similar to Playmakers, and you probably stopped reading about 6 paragraphs ago anyhow. Just know that I would have enjoyed another season of Tilt.

Now go buy som DVDs!

Tschüs!

I was a bit of a loner as a child. I wasn't much for "playing outside" or "making friends" or "not throwing stones at the neighborhood kids". As a result of my antisocial childhood, I found myself in front of the TV for most of my pre-adolescent years. Nickelodeon was a staple and ABC and Fox both provided decent Saturday morning distractions. The Cartoon Network was a little bit late to the show - I think I was about 14 when it made it to basic cable.

I liked a lot of the same shows that other kids watched. I was swept up by the Power Rangers fad like so many other blood-thirsty pre-teens still waiting for their testicles to boot up. I enjoyed reruns of oldies like The Flintsontes and their Space Age counter part, The Jetsons (Anyone else have the VHS of when they met?). I watched Garfield and Friends, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tiny Toon Adventures, and even The Simpsons (when my parents weren't looking).

So for those of you who remember these times, here's a few kids' shows that you may have forgotten that you remembered:

David the Gnome

David the Gnome was awesome nap material back in the day. 10 seconds into the intro, and I was already in a zombie-like state. There was something about the ambiance, the gentle sound of David's voice, and the entire world created within the series that just sucked me in. David the Gnome owned my afternoon cartoon time back in the day.

Credited on IMDB as "David el gnomo", it was one of the first shows that Hollywood mega-producer Harvey Weinstein was heavely involved with. David was voiced by Tom Bosley who was best know as the Dad from Happy Days.

My buddy recently downloaded the first two seasons from falling off the back of a truck. The "truck driver" sent us an excited message, saying "I'm glad to see somebody is finally downloading these". We were excited to have them.

Denver the Last Dinosaur

Now, I seem to remember Denver the Last Dinosaur being a Saturday morning offering on Fox back in the day. I say "seem to remember" because I think I only watched about 10 or 11 episodes in my time, as opposed to several seasons of the rest of these shows. The main reason I'm writing about it is that incredibe intro. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've ever watched? It's got camp written all over it.

The one I have above is the Japanese version, which I like better for some reason. At the bottom of this entry, I have posted the American version if you'd like to compare. The song is the same though, which is really the only reason to watch.

Of my limited memory of the cartoon, I recollect a group of gen-Xers finding a Dinosaur egg from which Denver hatched. They constantly had to escape from some scientists that wanted to study Denver, and they were always engaging in extreme sports and rock music. Truly, these were the most happening people during the 80s - 90s transition.

Fred Penner's Place

Somehow, I have to think Fred Penner's Place is the most esoteric offering in this blog today. I'd like to believe it used David the Gnome as its popular lead-in, but I certainly don't remember for certain. In either case, it's certainly from the same point in my childhood.

Fred Penner was a nature nut and a bit of a hippie. Come to think of it, a lot of the stuff I watched as a child was geared to get me to hug a tree. It's strange that I didn't turn out to be an environmentalist wackjob. Politicians without any friends aside, Fred Penner's Place was another pre-naptime show. The forest atmosphere and the songs he sang just put you in the mood to pass out on the rug in front of the TV with a sippy cup of juice.

I remember one episode in particular where he had a guest artist on the show. She specialized in drawing music. Fred played some whimsical tune on his guitar, and the woman drew the music that Fred played. The show seems like some acid induced trip fest now, but looking back, I dearly enjoyed the antics of Fred Penner and his friends.

Eureeka's Castle

I don't know if it's because they ended every show with that summon to the fabled "Picnic Time", but I have the strangest feeling that I watched Eureeka's Castle before lunch everyday. This may or may not be true, but I have distinct memories of the show.

My favorite character's on Eureeka's Castle were Quagmire and Bog(the orange and pink ones on either side of the dragon, Magellan). I think it was because I identified with them. Their brother-sister squabbling was a lot like that of my younger sister and I. They loved peanut butter, and their lava-lamp like movements when they swam in the moat where just plain mesmerizing.

Why am I starting to feel like everything I watched as a child was designed to brainwash me?

Beakman's World

In the vein of Bill Nye the Science Guy and Mr. Wizard's World (seen below), Beakman's World was easily the zaniest of the children's science shows. Featuring Beakman and his co-stars (a rat named Lester and and a science hottie dubbed Josie), Beakman's World consisted of a series of experiments used to demonstrate scientific principles that viewers of the show wrote in about.

I vaguely remember writing in with a question to Beakman, but I don't know if he ever got it or could understand it, because I'm fairly certain I was barely writing at the time.

The most memorable episode consisted of a question where Beakman was asked why guys in movies don't bleed when they break glass. The resulting experiment had Beakman create a pane of "movie glass" using sugar, water, and whatever else goes into movie glass. The climax came when Beakman punched through the newly created movie glass. I wrote down the recipe, but never made any myself. I was clearly too engaged with solving the puzzle of how Beakman's hair seemed to defy gravity.

TMNT

Denver American Version

Mr. Wizard's World

Tschüs!